Everyone should read this

Sometimes it gets very dark in my little box and no matter how hard I squeeze my eyes shut, I cannot seem to make myself believe that there is light on the other side of my lids. It does not matter, though. If it did, I would have ripped through these cardboard walls ages ago and avoided the years of masquerading with myself.

In other news, I do not enjoy the emotions that I am currently struggling with. They are conflicting and upsetting. As usually, I have no idea what to do about them. I have no one to talk to about this. I have no one to complain to, no one who will listen to my rants and excuses, no one who will even pause to ask me how I am and actually wait for the answer.

Is that not one of the most annoying things? That thing, that thing where they ask How Are Ya but do not listen whatsoever for an answer. I cannot stand it. Why ask? Why even bother? Why waste energy forming words if the revenue of a response is unwanted? Why?

If anyone reads this, tell me how you are, really. I want to know. I want to know how your day has been and how you feel about it. Do nit be afraid or hesitant. Make it private if you want. Link me to a diary entry or a youtube video or a song or a picture or a recipe for cookies or a blog page or anything. Do whatever it is you need to be able to answer "How are you?" because I swear, if no one else in the world wants to know, I will ALWAYS be here to lend an ear.

It is funny that I have always seen people on blogs, youtube, twitter, talkshows, etc., talking about how much they love ‘everyone’ which they use to refer to followers, fans, depressed kids, or just everyone, but it seemed so weird to me. I mean, truly, how can you say you love someone you probably have never ever heard of, let alone become attached to? It was such a stupid concept to me, but now I think I sort of get it. It is not a love that you see between lovers or families or best friends, but a love you see between the old woman at the grocery store and the otherwise ‘delinquent’ teenager who helps her put her bags in the car. It is a love you see when a school is attacked and the entire nation feels its pain. It is a love you see when someone smiles at a random stranger on the street. It is a love that, quite unexpectedly and rather suddenly, I understand and also feel. I have not been a part of OD for as long as many of its users, nor do I post entries as often or and regularly as some, but I have begun to love everyone on this site. I love the aged retirees who talk about their childhood and recent trips to Hawaii. I love the expectant and new moms who write about the process of pregnancies and the new life they have created. I love the college students documenting their own new lives. I love the fanfiction writers. I love the teenagers struggling with deprssion and heartbreak. I love the songwriters and poets. I love the therapy-bloggers who write to confront their experiences. I love the people, not the lives, the experinces, not the crimes, and I love every single person on this site for everything they are and more. I never ever thought I would be one of these people, but I really do love everyone here.

And to avoid ending on a negative note, this is all.

dancing thoughts

December 30, 2013

look at that! how positively your entry ended, thought it started so negatively. you know, i bet some of the negativity you are feeling is age-related. I felt the same way when i was 17. most of my days were dark, but now most of my days, are not. as you go through life and get out of home and experience more freedom and learn what you want and who you are better, you’ll be happier for longer.

i also thought OD was a breath of fresh air when i discovered it, and i’m glad you have too. it definitely helped me get through some rough times when my choices of who im around (family members who were negative, etc.) were not so wide. in any case, i dont know what your situation is, but i hope you end up in college somewhere where you’re studying something you love and meeting cool new positive

people who love you just as much as you’ve started loving OD strangers. 🙂 I don’t think people do bad things — I think everyone is good, and they just get misguided by life situations and the wrong information, and due to pain these things cause, they end up doing bad things. that’s why i think it’s possible to love all people … because u realize everyone wants to be loved and wants to be good

now on to your question .. how was my day? it was interesting. it started kind of frustrating because i had to apply to a job and for some reason im terrified i think inside because i think i wont make it and kept procrastinating, but it was good procrastination, because i was trying to raise money for a good cause on my online fundraising page and ended up raising $200! That was all at a

coffee shop. Then i came home, ate an awesome burger my bf had made the night before, then proceeded to skype with my best friend who lives in canada (i live in nyc but used to live in georgia as well ;), and we opened our jars of happiness moments (last year, we decided to scribble down happy moments that happened this year and throw them into a jar then open them all on dec. 31). so i realized

in reading these that i had been less happy once i started dating my bf in june than i had been before. and after skype, i ended up telling him that. and we talked about it … and we almost broke up, and we both ended up crying. it was really hard. actually it sucked. i felt like maybe he’s not my match but at the same time i wasnt ready to let go. so i didnt know what to do. i ended up walking

to cvs nearby after that to get cigarettes (i dont smoke, unless im drinking or its an emotional emergency like tonight) and talked to another good friend of mine who’s an AMAZING listener (the type who’ll ask you how was ur day and then analyze what u say), and we analyzed the issue and by the end i decided to give it a 2nd chance and write down how i feel every day to see if it’s worth continuin

g the relationship. Relationships are hard, have been hard for me, but mostly because up to now, since 17, I’ve been choosing the wrong guys due to low self-esteem. This is why it’s crucial that you change your diary name from ‘unloved’ to ‘loved because i’m me’. It’s NECESSARY that you love urself. It’s ok if u feel negative sometimes, but start noticing, so you can change these thoughts. if you

dont love yourself, you’ll waste many years hanging out with negative people (friends and significant others) who won’t inspire you and won’t help you grow, and all that only because you never believed you could be loved by the good people. but i digress … this guy is actually good, not one of those other bad ones i had chosen wrongly, i just think sometimes we don’t communicate as well as i

would like. i’m very deep and i need depth and need to feel inspired. im not sure he loves going deep much of the time. i think he has the capacity but he’s not used to it as i am. i’m also 28, and he’s only 23, so i’ve had more time, so it’s not his fault … sometimes i just think he’s young. so anyway, i dont know whats gonna happen. but i wanna give him a 2nd chance. i love him. i know he

loves me. he wrote me the sweetest note tonight. wish u could read it but it’s too long. ill give u some excerpts: “I met you and you were and still are this little ray of sunshine beating down with nothing but joy. All of this love just beamed out of you which was something that I have never seen in someone which is what makes u so unique & amazing which made me realize I wanted to be with you.”

“I have never met anyone like you in my life Natalia. Someone so special that I wanted to see grow and be happy and someone who wanted the same thing from me, but you did the job in expressing that and I did not. I love the way you smile, the way you look deep down into every person you meet to find the good because the bad is just blocking the beauty in everyone. I love the way you look …

“…towards the future and want to help everyone and I love you unique spirit. I love how you cry at thing that are beautiful to you. I love the way you dress and I love the way your hair is always bouncy and beautiful. I love the way you walk. I love your skinny arms and I love the way your eyes squint when you smile.” OK, I’ve written you enough. Nice to meet you, girl. Thx for asking about my

my day. Come visit me and tell me about yours 🙂