Do You Feel Like Something’s Missing?

~Ever wonder what would happen if you just gave in to everything you were feeling?  Let the people who have hurt you the most know that they have been causing you incredible amounts of pain that you can barely stand anymore?  What would happen if you all the sudden just broke down and let the tears that threaten to slip from your eyes the chance to actually come out and fall?  Ever wonder how the people around you would react?

~I have wondered these things.  Especially today when all I want to do is just sit here and cry.  Let it all out.  I do sometimes get tired of constantly holding back how I feel.  Sometimes it takes more effort than I have to pretend to be strong and be the bigger person.  And you know the sad thing is that I let these people beat me down until I have nothing left.  Nothing at all.  I mean I’m only one person.  There is only so much I can handle. And honestly I don’t know if I’m handling things well today. I want to break. I want to just give in let my walls come down.  I’m not afraid of being vulnerable.  I am who I am.  I am not willing to change me, but I also do a lot of hiding who I am.  I can’t constantly pretend that I’m this strong individual who doesn’t get affected by the hurtful things people say to me.  By the judgments they throw my way.  The condescending way they talk down to me because I’m young or they think that I don’t understand.  I’m not that young.  I’ve gone through my own trials and tribulations.  I think I can qualify for knowing how much life can suck at points in life.  If you have been a constant reader, you know too that my life has had its ups and downs.  Possibly more downs than ups, but that’s just the life I’ve been living.  And I have accepted that spot in life.  I have been able to move forward from that and make something of myself.  But I feel like some people just don’t understand that what they are doing is hurtful.  

~Now I’m used to being picked on.  Been dealing with that my whole life, but there is a line I have and when people constantly by-pass that line, I just don’t appreciate that.  I tell people my line to be helpful and to avoid feeling this way.  But when people constantly cross that line on a continual basis, I have issues with that.  And things are so conflicting.  I mean I guess I never know where I stand with some people.  And maybe I shouldn’t care.  That’s probably the truth, but this is me.  I care. I’m a caring individual.  If I could change that I wouldn’t.  I don’t want to be some cold-hearted person that doesn’t care about anyone.  That’s not me and it never will be.  Sometimes I want to become that person, but I know that I can’t be that person.  

~So I don’t know who to be sometimes.  Because it appears being me will never be good enough.  Being me isn’t someone other people like.  I don’t understand but maybe I shouldn’t try.  I don’t know.  But life is what it is and I guess and its not changing any time soon…