It’s just about gone

The course and me are reaching the end. I can’t live with the course, even though I’m supposed to be a “budding journalist”. I made jokes about how I was to become a journalist to relations that visited a few weeks ago from Englad. I said that I was studying for my course by trying to acquire a drinking problem, like all good journalists. And I can make statements like that and tell people I want to be a journalist all I like. But I don’t; I can’t conceive it. I can’t imagine myself earning a living, working as a journalist. I like writing, sure, but not this reporting business. I don’t like having to search for things so much, having to second-guess people and generally hunt down things. I’mm not a hunter. I sit back and watch things unfold, I’m a viewer. And a lot of the time I’m a participant. But I don’t like the work involved in journalism; it’s not me.

So what does this leave? It leaves me up shit creek, that’s what. Maybe I know what to do……Maria, the lovely girl who dropped out of my class after Christmas, texted me one night after I bombarded her with Joe Angst and said “Just keep thinking about it – what did u wanna do when u were in school??” And I’d never thought about that. Well, I lie; I have thought about it. I always think about it every now and then, and it’s like…..it’s what realizing you’re gay must be like for those in that situation, such as my friend Cormac. I mean, you know it all along but you don’t want to ruin people’s expectations, you haven’t come to terms with it yourself yet so why tell others. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t be talking about this. What will people say. I can’t help thinking about what people say to my parents when they say “oh, Joseph wants to be a journalist”. Why doesn’t he get a proper job? And if they only knew the improper job I really want, but can’t say because I haven’t said it out loud in years. I used to want something, but someone told me to think about something else. I don’t know who it was, but one day my Peter Pan life left me and I’ve been getting flashbacks. What has happened to me? I can’t hold a conversation anymore. This is ruining me. I hate depression; it makes me pretend to go to college at the age of almost 21. I get my bag together, leave the house and go straight into town to the cinema. Come home, make up a story about my imaginary day in college and go to bed. I’m so tired. But I just know if I leave this shit course, it’ll be a weight off my shoulders. If it was made formal. If my parents could trust me and believe me when I say I can’t stay. They think I’m giving up, and I am giving up. But it’s only to retain my sanity. It hurts so much to stay, I have to go or I’ll never have any reason to get up in the morning. I just can’t stop the depression and this doesn’t help.

The course is just terrible. Every little detail annoys me. First of all, it’s in a housing estate in a rough suburb. And that’s just not the place for a college, I’m sorry. It’s got nothing for students because……it’s a fucking secondary school as well and half the things students want can’t be provided in the same environment as a secondary school. I’m being taught like a child and vagueness is the only teaching practice there. But generally I want to finally leave school and try out the world for a little while and see how I get on. I have my third-level qualification already if I ever need it. I can still write. Just not officially.

I may be going to Galway on Saturday for my friend Moyrah’s 21st. I need a break.

A lot of what you wrote sounded familiar. I thought I wanted to be a journalist too, and tried studying philosophy for a year cos a teacher recommended it. I hated the classes and the whole college experience, and spent most of my time in the cinema too. I failed exams and left after a year…..

I eventually ended up doing a FAS ‘media techniques’ course in Waterford where I learned that I enjoyed radio work more than newspaper work. I got a month’s work experience in Atlantic 252 which led to 2 years working there part time. And now I work for an American radio corporation. Hopefully, you’ll discover something you like doing. But work is work, it won’t magically make life better.

:O(

Caffy

February 28, 2002

I’m always slightly suspicious of people who know what they want to do at the age of 20/21. It seems so unnatural. How can anyone expect to know what they want to spend the rest of their life doing when they’ve barely even lived at all. (BTW: This is the little speech I give my mother every weekend. She thinks taking a year off is a waste of time. I think jumping into a post-grad I’m not ready…

…for is an even bigger waste.) You have your qualification, that little thing that parents say you should always have “to fall back on”. Though it might be hard, now is the time to start doing what you’ve always wanted. Someone talked you out of it once, but if it’s what you really want, you need to talk yourself back into it now. If you fall, you fall….

But it must be better than where you are now. . . . . I don’t know what happens me, but every so often I go into full-on Oprah mode. I’m one step away from shouting “Go to your destiny”. Good God, I need chocolate.

Im agreeing totally with kerouac on this one. its the ppl with no clue of where their live & career will take them in the next 50 (!) or so years who will live the most rewarding lives (well thats my theory) so what ever you dreamt of doing I say give it a shot, for yourself and for once not for your parents, surely they will be happy when you are (if only it was all so simply) take care :/