This night sucked donkey balls

Here I am in Aihua. Again. Aihua seems to be my refuge, I don’t know anyone’s name here and maybe that’s the attraction. It’s Chinese and everyone here is Chinese so the chances of them staring across my shoulder reading my stuff is fairly rare. OD is stil strange like that after two years; it’s like I like people to know about my life, I’m obsessive aobut it and I want to go into more and more detail but at the same time, the idea of someone sitting beside me and reading my diary is just unthinkable. By the way, Aihua is a very cheap cheerful net cafe on Cathedral Street in case any of you are in Dublin and wondering where to go for the net. I’ve spent many hopurs in here and I don’t remember ever being charged more than €3.

I’ve just walked away from a night out. I thought I didn’t do that anymore, I thought that 2002 Joe doesn’t go out every week but when he does, he stays out til the birds sing. But I can’t. I had a cup of coffee in Emer’s house, then another in Burger King but I’m just not in the mood for a boogy. Paying €10 into somewhere seems sickening. So despite being invited out for the night, I’ve walked. I feel like such a bollox, it’s like I’m this spoilt kid who doesn’t want to talk to anyone. I was introduced to a girl from Waterford named Neeve. I was told she’s……..rather friendly. As in village bicycle friendly. So I wenty and talked to her. But I couldn’t even try. I’m free and single, I’m entitled to the odd casual snog and here was one on a plate. And I couldn’t.

I find Emer physically attractive. We have this fucking anti-chemistry (glad His Daveness likes that phrase, it’s copyright Joe©) and it means we can’t really connect mentally. But she gets cuter with every viewing. Think Kelly Osbourne without the pink hair, the plumpness and the kissing-Daddy-on-the-lips thing. And she’s broken up with her boyfriend, partly because she got stupidly drunk and he wasn’t amused. It’s not like I picture her in years to come, just that maybe it’d be nice to snog her. Only she had her eyes on this other guy and wanted to tell me all about it. And I was like, no thanks. I had told her the night in the local club that I didn’t fancy her and I didn’t want her to think I did. And yet tonight, watching her trying to chat up a guy was eerie. To be honest, I thought it felt like being a witness to an execution. It sounds gruesome, yes, but to have to watch her be with some guy turned my stomach. And I don’t know why really, I don’t feel that deeply about her. I suppose it’s just the way guys are. Or this guy anyway. And she wasn’t even with the guy in the end.

I feel so low. I wish I wasn’t like this.

j