The perfect plain

I’m lacking ambition. That’s the conclusion of a four-month study into The State of The Joe after so many hearings, testimonies and affidavits that the paperwork would easily be 50 stories high. Only there haven’t been 50 stories, there’s barely been a dozen. Joe is lacking ambition, and this is because Joe, for lack of a better word, is boring.

Joe likes things steady. Joe doesn’t like to take risks, Joe tries something new and not only holds onto it, he pulls it so close to him his fingers are white. But if someone doesn’t like Joe, or there’s a hint of a possibility that someone doesn’t like Joe, Joe will walk away. Take, for example, the long-forgotten Emer episode. Emer was this “I know you to see” girl from around the corner. One night Joe was in a club in Dublin and she came over to him and said hi. Note how Joe did not go over to Emer. Joe fears rejection, it scares the living crap out of him. The rejection fear is easily traced back to when Joe was a young geek in secondary school, when no one would talk to him. The boys didn’t reject Joe; they just never spoke to him. So in a way, Joe wasn’t rejected. He was as much a friend today as tomorrow. But today it’s different. Joe utterly transformed himself, became a new person in just two years. And Joe made lots of friends. Lots of them. But the fear of rejection was always too much. Joe always wanted to make an early exit before he did something stupid. Then he’d stay and do something stupid. As a result, Joe became a byword for idiot and Joe began to clam up again. It’s like Joe’s life had a Prague spring but now it’s back to the old ways, the alone-ness. The sheer lack of people in his life. And the stupid thing is, it need not be this way. Joe has opportunities. Joe could drop his shields and allow people in. But no, Joe is scared that those people will reject him. So Joe walked out on Emer one night in Dublin and never rung or texted. She was mingling; Joe felt he was an embarrassment.

Then Joe met her on a bus one day a month and a half later and had to talk to her. Joe couldn’t say much because Joe’s Dad was sitting behind them. It felt the same, and the same was weird. Joe hadn’t shaved and was in a state. Joe wanted to make sure he looked alright. Emer and Joe ever crossed paths again. But Joe looked like a lunatic and, well, is a lunatic. Joe texted Emer while he was on holidays, with a jestful message about how much of a good time he was having. She replied in a similar tone, giving me her new number. And that’s as far as it ever went. Joe saw Emer get off the bus the day he came back to Ireland. That’s the last time we spoke. That’s the end, it just faded.

Today, I have no confidence left. I just want money so I can do stuff. I’m boring, uninteresting. I want to work, get paid and have one or three interesting weekends. I’m neither depressed nor elated. My ambition right now is to finally make one of those A4 sheets in work into the perfect paper plane.

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