Turning dreams into memories

I was sat the wrong way on a stagnant, warm train feeling like I was literally going backwards all the way from Cork to Dublin, when I looked down at a long black hair on my white t-shirt. The elderly couple opposite were never looking at me when I looked up at them, but I think they saw me stare at this single strand for a while. So was the African man whose ticket I found earlier on. And the woman with the huge fur hat that got on at Limerick Junction. I think I would have stared at someone who studied a single hair for so long, wondering what it’s significance was. Only I knew that. I thought of the DNA in that one hair, the unique thing in it that only comes from one person. The person whose hair I remember just like this, on a white pillow as I woke up beside her soft white skin and she smiled and my heart melted for the umpteenth time and we kissed again.

I love her. There is simply no other way of putting it. I want to tone down this entry, but all we’ve done since falling in love is continuously reach for the next step at the exact same time. So why should I? Why should we? We’re both 21, very young and we’ve both never been in love and we’re both…that’s exactly what it is. “We’re both”. It’s because I have so much in common with her, the way we feel towards so many things, that I feel this confidence towards anything she says and does. And I’m coming to terms with her trusting me. It’s this trust that makes me feel so…happy from the inside out.

So we ran away to Kinsale for the weekend. Our first date but it didn’t once feel like it. It’s like I know her for years and in a way I do, since I’ve read her here for a long time. Never once did I actually honestly conceive any of this happening; I didn’t dare. It feels like as I stood looking up at this impossibly beautiful mannequin that suddenly turned towards me, smiled and put her hand out to me. And we’ve been walking hand-in-hand ever since.

It’s moving so fast but I can’t see the end. I usually always see the end, can almost play it out as it happens. But with her, there are only possibilities. It’s scary how far I can see ahead, but I know it’s one day at a time all the same. I make this leap of fantasy, only to look to my right and see her leaping too. She’s the dream; ever since we discovered how we felt about each other, I dreamt about waking up beside her. And now that I have, I’ve achieved my ambition. It’s now a memory, and it feels incredible to think of how close we’ve become. The chemistry between us is overwhelming; even I’m lost for words! I just can’t conceive, can’t imagine for one second, being just friends with her; bumping into her somewhere in five year’s time and laughing about the doomed “love affair” we had. And that doesn’t scare me one bit. She’s the uncompromised, straightforward girl of my dreams and I want her in my life so much, more than anyone. She’s coming up to my house after Christmas because I want everyone to know my girlfriend.

It’s the most amazing feeling, all this; the entire weekend was full of amazing feelings. But nothing compares to the closeness, the trust, the truth, the respect, the beauty, the companionship; nothing compares to saying “I love you” to someone and having them say it back to you.

Nothing compares to being in love.

j