One for Star Trek, please

Possibly one of the saddest phrases you’ll ever hear uttered in a cinema. Yes, despite being a fan of…..well, not a fan but certainly, I appreciate it. See, I’m trying to back out already. I got off work early because….um….cutbacks? And so I wandered into town and the Spire’s a good bit up now and jayzus it’s big and LET ME REMIND YOU ALL THAT I LOVED THE IDEA FROM THE START AND ALL THESE FECKERS JUMPING ON THE “IT’S MARVELLOUS FOR DUBLIN” BANDWAGON CAN GO AND TAKE A LARGE SHITE FOR THEMSELVES!!!

Sorry, I’m anticipating a frontlash towards the Spire. The opposite of a backlash, when something hated is suddenly loved. Frontlash. I would be proud of that word had it not sounded so naughty.

Anyway, the UGC cinema is becoming an outpost of China these days. And before you say anything, let me state I think it’s great. Because the UGC is in such a crap location and if it has regular custom, then yay! The IMAX beside it closed after 18 months, although that may be due to the whole what-the-feck-is-the-point-of-watching-films-with-no-plot-or-actors-in-a-place-right-beside-a-proper-cinema, eh, factor. And huzzah for the guy in the box office who asked me if I had a student card. I do, but it expired in December 2002. And he took it! He actively sought out a way to give me a cheaper ticket! Feck capitalism, yay for this guy! Not so yay for the guy from my town who ripped my ticket; now someone local knows I go to Star Trek films alone.

And as for the film itself. Well, it was better than the last one but then all that would take was a sneeze of imagination. Nemesis borrowed heavily from a few old Star Trek plots; finding a old, disassembled Data sounded like one of the sub-plots in a season finale once upon a time. And the film could have conceivably been called The Wrath of Shinzon, what with the whole wronged-mentalist-out-for-vengeance-against-the-captain-of-the-Enterprise theme. The Troi subplot, involving her mind getting “violated” (they just about held back calling it a rape and rightly so; it’s trivial compared to the real thing) was supremely daft and pointless and only served to give Troi a reason to, er, seek vengeance against the mentalist what did it. The Data finding his brother thing was done before with that bloke Lore (identical-looking cult leader-esque nutcase who took some battered Borg under his wing one time……for a season finale!). This time it was silly. The only plot worth writing about was Picard discovering he could become a megalomaniac. But I won’t write about that. Or “Admiral Janeway”’s cameo. Or all the sly little nods to Trek history for the fans. Because I didn’t really want to see this film. I had to; it may have been the result of a brainstorm following a marathon viewing of Trek season finales but as a……an almost fan-esque type of person towards the Star Trek thing, it would only be a matter of time before I saw it. And I really think if you’re not a…..follower in the loosest possible sense of Picard & co., then don’t bother seeing Star Trek Nemesis.

And yes, the censor really did spell it wrong on the rating card……..

Other funny things include my sister coming home from babysitting the other night wondering if I’d seen the smallpox thing that was on. “I never knew it was so big; how come I never heard a thing about it??” I went on to tell her how dangerous smallpox was in centuries past but thankfully, it’s been pretty much eradicated. She asked me about the outbreak in New York last year. I raised an eyebrow. She went on to tell me how scared she now is of biological weapons and how sad it all was.

Then it clicked. She was watching a repeat of “Smallpox 2002”; that mock-documentary shown on the BBC that imagined how a smallpox outbreak in New York and London would go down, so to speak. Apparently it was very scary and very real-looking, so much so that the BBC got a LOT of complaints. And my sister was taken in, hook, line and sinker.

Nice to know that even when little sisters get all big and 18, they can still do something that makes you pat them on the head and go “awww, it’s ok!”

j