Friend

Writing this on my phone while lying on my side in bed, in the dark while my sleeping wife sleeps.

I need to reach out more. I’m constntly full of love, genuine love and affection for so many people in my life and some that aren’t in my life. People I’ve never met, people on OD, people I see every day.

Anna in IT is one of these people. It was her last day today, I often spent hours talking to her after work. Since she moved to a different building, I kept in touch with her on Facebook. But could I hug, kiss, shake hands or – Jesus Christ – even look at her today?! I said bye and smiled as she deliberately waved at me, just before she left. But no, nothing more.

I’m moving offices soon, just down the street from where I am. One of the consequences is that I won’t see Martin every day. Martin is my muse; a 53 year old man with a wife and 3 daughters with whom I have this unending dialogue of pedantic nonsense, fact-exchanging and verbal fisticuffs. We never meet outside work and don’t deal with each other for work. So if I didn’t sit across from him, I’d never have anything to do with him. And today I found out that my last day sitting near him will be 3 June. That’s that, the end of an era.

My cousin Eilish is from the same rural backroad my Dad grew up on in north Mayo. She’s a few months younger than me, extremely well-travelled, very much into the same media stuff I am, two peas in a pod. But I’ll never reach out, never suggest meeting up. I just daydream about being her friend and being accepted.

It’s sad because as someone who’s managed to convince someone else to stay with them for life, I shouldn’t be lonely – and I’m not. Catherine is all I need. But that doesn’t and shouldn’t stop me valuing tne friendship of others. But I hold friendship to such a ridiculously high standard that I not only fail to accumulate them, I rarely put myself out there anymore in case I let someone down.

It’s hard to breathe when I’m so far up my own arse like this. Suffice is to say I love very easily and then hold back. So if I’ve met you and spoken since, chances are you’re very dear to me but I won’t say it. Because, my friends, I’m a cock.