07/07/2010

 I never realized how much you meant to me, until the moment when I almost lost you.

I’ve been quiet again.  I know.  Been thinking and just curling up into myself.  I’m doing that a lot lately, getting tired, worn thin.  Friends are worried about me.  "Accountants have the highest alcoholism and suicide rates…" "We know, and that’s why we’re worried about you, Chris." I want to tell them not to worry, that everything’s okay.  But It’s hard to say that when you, yourself are worried.  I did go to the doctor today.  We talked and I got my meds upped.  She says that she had me on really low dosages so it was okay to up them.  She also said that I could cut the night time pill in half if I wanted to… that it was okay, specially if I was dreaming bad dreams.

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I’ve been reading a lot more, letting my hands heal. "I can’t believe you do that… how can you see those rings?" "I do it mostly by touch." Along with actually reading-reading, I’ve been doing a lot of audio-book listening.  I’ve noticed a trend in my reading… it’s mostly distopian societies that I’m reading about.  With a few exceptions, and those are books that make me think.  I read (listened to) Mitch Alboms’ (sp?) The Five People you Meet in Heaven, which totally blew me away.  The whole concept… the idea of having your life told to you, the meanings given to you, by five people who’ve affected you… it just hit me hard.  The five lessons hit me hard too.  I find myself wondering who would be my five, if I died right now… who it would be who would be able to tell me what my life meant. And who, if I died today, would I wait for?  What would my heaven be?  I honestly don’t know what my heaven would be if I died right now.  I can’t think of an instant that I wanted to live in for all my life.  The closest thing to heaven I could think of is to spend eternity in twilight, walking with Andu, following the trail back and forth between his house and mine, talking about the world that we built together, word by word.  ::shakes her head:: I don’t know.  It just… it really made me think.

I’ve also read Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep by Phillip Dick.  That was interesting.  I liked it well enough but it didn’t hit me the same way that the other book did.  I thought about the whole idea of being able to change your emotions to whatever you want just by hitting a sequence of numbers.. and it also made me think about what made us human.. according to the book, empathy was what made you human, the ability to connect with others and animals, and that’s what the androids were lacking.  Then again, I’ve met people who I could have sworn lacked the ability to connect.  

Uhmm… I finished Dune and Dune Messiah last week.  They were good, but about the time I got to the end of Dune Messiah, I realized I was really tired of Dune.  I have the third book coming in via audiobookworm.com this week, and I might go back to reading that series soon.  I find I have a tendency to not finish series.

– – – 

I’ve been having so much trouble concentrating, specially at work.  Not to mention, in general.  I can’t seem to keep my mind in one place for more than a few moments before it sliding away.  Numbers at work aren’t coming out right, and I’m having to do the same group of computations multiple times.  It’s a pain in the ass.  

I’m thinking about running away.  I need to run away, to get some time to myself.  I won’t be able to do that till after PAX, I don’t think, but I dream and think about it.  I’m thinking about renting a cabin out by Mount Ranier and relaxing for a day or three.  Just Courtenay and myself, our own cabin, hot tub, and no cell phones or computers or anything like that.  I’d love a chance to sit and write for a while, to try to get my balance back.  

I was thinking about going to the ocean instead, but I don’t like the idea of all those people.  Mom suggested the Olympic Rain Forests or whatever it’s called, and I think that’d be really neat too.  I don’t know.  I just know that I need to see about getting some time fully away.

– – – 

I was in such a foul mood today.  I don’t know why, other than the fact that work’s slowly breaking me down and I don’t know what I can really do about it.  There’s nothing that I can point to that I can say "This is why I’m having such trouble!" Unlike last time, when I could tell Brenda that she was killing me… It’s just… work.  I think I need a vacation. ::laughs:: My vacation’s coming end of August.  A whole 4 days, and then a week and a half in September.  

I should head off to bed.  I really should.  I think I might be able to sleep now.

Seven weeks.

Just seven more weeks.