bad night

My mind went something like this;

Shhhh, Emerly, shhhhhhh….
Stop it, stop it, stop.
I can’t believe I did that to these people who are supposed to be my friends.
Is it any better to be a horrible person if you dislike yourself as much as anyone else does?
You have no excuses. None. Stop feeling so damned sorry for yourself.
How will I entry this?
It’s a coping mechanism, one you used for years–no wonder you’re going back to it.
What are you thinking??
I’m in the shower and am rocking back and forth, talking to myself, and singing two notes over and over again. If ever I looked crazy, now is it.
It’s just one night. You’ll feel better tomorrow.
I shouldn’t feel better tomorrow. I should remember how this feels because this is how I should feel. I *am* a worthless person.
5 minutes. 5 minutes.
Can’t my thoughts just stop? Be quiet? Please?
You’re trying too hard. You’re making too much out of this. You’re pretending.
I’m NOT pretending.
I had forgotten how this feels.

Sillyselma…you’re the one to blame….

————————————————————

You just did what you had to do….

mess up it

April 11, 2004

Holy shit, you should hear me in the shower… lol… I always tend to lose it in there.

paradoxia

hmm. ive done that in the shower. I guess that makes me insane with you ;o) anyhoo, bad joke. bad timing. I do wanna say, that i dont know what you did, but i can hardly imagine it was anything that should make you want to feel worthless. nothing should make you feel this way, because you’re NOT. I dont know how it will come, but this whole liking yourself thing WILL appear at your doorstep.

just take it one day at a time. and dont forget to breathe. Seriously, last time i did that in shower, all it took was breathing to cool things down. *big hugs* I wish you all the best,

Violet Librarian

*massive hugs* Are you okay?

puaah

*big hugs*