you dont have to stay for me

i dont know whats wrong with me. lately, ive been having the urge to cut again. its been, maybe 4 months or something. probably longer. and now, i just want to see the blood flow. i want to feel nothing again… nothing but the pain of my skin ripping apart. im fucking triggering myself while im writing this.

its not all the time. im usually fine. but whenever i lie down, whenever im alone, i feel like shit again. like… back then. this scares me. i dont want to fall back. but i know its happening. and in some way, it feels comfortable, although i know i should fight it.
i have no idea whats wrong. i just feel useless, i have no idea what im doing here. everything is fine. but still, i feel like i want to strangle myself. i’m annoying myself so much, just by… being here.

i want to cry for a long, long time. but just like back then, tears wont come. i can feel them, stinging, and sometimes they get as far as my eyes… but thats where they stay. it hurts.

when i was lying on my bed earlier, i even had some of the strange experiences i went through when i quit seroxat. i heard strange noises… i have no idea where they come from. i’m not quitting anything, the only chemicals i’m on is the pill.

i feel so strange.