trampled by white horses.

prejudice breaks my heart and frustrates me beyond reason. yesterday, i went to six flags with the senior class as part of their week of senior trip activities. unfortunately, every time that i have gone on field trips with my inner city students, i have experienced some type of racism by people in the general public. according to the massachusetts department of elementary and secondary education, 46.5% of the school is african american, while 43.5% are hispanic.

on a field trip to new york city, we circled around a group of black street acrobatic performers and were asked to move to the opposite side behind other observers. afterward, when the performers came around with a bucket asking for money, they shouted something along the lines of, "we knew you all wouldn’t give us money, so we moved you to back for that reason." it was particularly disheartening because it was racism among those of primarily the same race.

yesterday, we went in line for the carousel, and one of my black students, salina, immediately turned around and declared, "i cannot go on this ride. oh no." i was confused, so i remained in line. then she and a couple of other students called me over. they told me that the man in front of them in line said, "don’t sit on the black horses. they’ll steal your money." at first, i didn’t even realize that this was a racist comment, nor did i think she heard him correctly. i just didn’t think someone would say something so offensive in the presence of people who might take it personally. it is 2013, after all. the students and even my friend and colleague seemed hurt that i didn’t recognize how offensive it was right away, so i decided to approach him as we were leaving the park and i saw that he was behind us.

i said, "excuse me. did you say a racist comment in front of one of my students?" to which he responded, "perhaps." and i then asked, "so you’re just openly racist in a public place?" again, to which, he responded, "perhaps." then he said, "what are you going to do? call the racist police?" in between remarks, he spit on the ground and took sharp drags of his cigarette. i just nodded my head and said, "okay then."

as we got to the parking lot, he turned and pointed to the security guard and said something inaudible about a flashlight. he seemed a bit combative, so i did approach the security guard, told him what happened and asked that he just keep an eye on him as we left the park. the security guard apologized that there wasn’t anything he could do outside of the park, but had we notified someone in the park, he could have been ejected. that was a bit reassuring that there was SOMETHING that could have been done. i felt so helpless and wanted to protect my students, yet there was so little i could do.

afterwards, a few of my students were shocked by the man’s behavior. some of them, despite being seniors in high school, have yet to experience racism. i know that i asked my juniors about their experiences with racism during our huck finn unit and many of them had not personally experienced any racism in their lifetime. they have had a lot of white teachers over the year and they may encounter some ignorance about cultural stuff like weaves and things of that nature, but they have never experienced blatant bigotry.

it hurts me to know that people are racist. my own boyfriend harbors racism towards hispanics because he was jumped by kids and had his bike stolen when he was ten years old. i try to open his eyes to the fact that one incident cannot and should not determine one’s view of an entire race of people, and although he does not say offensive things in my presence, i know he still has those lingering thoughts. my friend, doug, says some REALLY ignorant shit about people of color. and i’m just shocked by it most of the time. especially since my own stepfather is black and my sister is half black. and then my cousins are half ecuadorian. my aunt was killed by my cousin’s ex boyfriend who was puerto rican, and i am not racist towards puerto ricans. perhaps, i am more cautious around people in general because of that trauma, but i cannot allow it to close my mind about all puerto ricans.

i am just really frustrated by this. i know that i am not perfect. i know that sometimes i do want to fight other people’s beliefs and opinions to this day. for example, about four years ago, i angrily asked abortion protesters questions outside of a clinic, asking what they were doing for young mothers who were unable to take care of their babies effectively instead of sitting there offensively voicing their opinions and making people feel guilty about their personal choices. i don’t think i needed to get angry about it.

i just don’t know what to do. i guess it is a good thing to be in a position where i can teach impressionable young people about my own love and tolerance of difference and just work on myself each and every day and check myself for racism and prejudice. i guess that’s all that can be done in the face of fear and hate. i just wish there was something more i could do.