swimming against the tide.

so i have not written in a long time. i am only writing now because i came here to reference a time in my life and realized how long it had been. i have been blogging every so often in a weight loss blog, but i talk about everything directed to physical health, like food and exercise. it is not enough and i should make a habit of writing in here still.

i have lost forty pounds since my last entry. two entries ago i was feeling TERRIBLE about the way i looked. it is getting better since i am somewhat successful. i definitely just ate peanut butter by the forkful because i was crying and wanted to feel better, so i still can fall short, but i am trying to reach a goal by next summer, so i am allowing myself slip ups, as long as i get back up again.

i haven’t done much step work in the past five months, which is a shame since i had that whole summer. i didn’t do much that summer, besides relax, travel, see music, and work at that camp. it was over before i knew it and here i am in the new school year, freaking out because my lessons are not done and my curriculum map is a mess. i feel like such a fuck up sometimes.

i am especially low these past couple of days. i got really depressed over the season finale of dexter. i feel like it brought up some ptsd. maybe it is dramatic for me to suggest that i have ptsd, but you know? i probably do have some. i experience a LOT of loss in a very short period of time in my early teens. my parents were both largely absent, then my sister died of a heroine overdose, and my dad died two years later. when my aunt was murdered six years later, i began to think that this was the way it would always be, like i was doomed or cursed or something…

i do not feel that way these days. i have become more spiritually centered and positive and it has been working for me, but dexter fucked me up last night. i wept. hard. and felt so alone because i didn’t have anyone to understand how sad i felt. i have since connected with someone who understands. oh and becca was understanding.

i have many goals. i need to organize my life. i look forward to some time and energy to do these things. since my prayer in that old entry worked, i’m going to write another.

please help me find the motivation and drive to bring order to my life, so that i can maintain a structure and routine and not feel so bogged down when i am upset. feelings will come.

i need to start some stepwork asap.