10/23/2013

i have been struggling big time. over the course of the last week, i have had panic attacks, overwhelming episodes of wanting to use drugs (and trying to obtain them), total tantrums and treating people unspiritually. i just haven’t been myself. then again, i just reviewed some diary entries beginning from this time last year to see if mikey was right when he said that he remembered that i felt this way last year and that i will get to the other side, and so on, and i realize, i felt like this from october on. i was a real mess last year.

alyx told me that in her sixth year of hairdressing, she has finally grown more in tune with the patterns of the year. she goes through busy spells and not so busy spells, and instead of feeling overly stressed for either, she has learned how to roll with it, now that she knows a bit more about what to expect. i am still very much in those developing stages.

but work is fucking overwhelming! it is insane. there are times when i hate this profession. the school day is ridiculously long. i have to tutor on saturdays. there is all this pressure to get students to improve their mcas scores. all the parents are upset with me because of the crazy finals policy and their sons/daughters are babies in the sixth grade and their spirits are being squashed by this testing testing whacko atmosphere.

i have to keep track of nine million things. i need to do home visits, grade, get my lesson plans in by monday morning, have action plans for all the students i tutor, interpret the data of my benchmarks (NO IDEA HOW TO DO THIS EFFECTIVELY), manage my classroom, make sure that i reteach things that my students don’t get (something i suck at because i am so worried about falling behind with my year calendar). and i’m FREAKING out. and not hiding it. i am honestly freaking out. i can’t even smile at anyone. i just sigh and "look so tired." and miserable. and i just want to resort to FOOD. or drugs. or something comforting, but i’m trying really hard not to add to my problems.

holy shit. i forgot how much i need to write. i am actually teaching "zlata’s diary" to my kids and having them write, and all this time, i have been boiling inside and not getting all of this out. i haven’t told anyone all of it because i feel like it is complaining and they wouldn’t want to hear, but instead i just call them when i don’t make sense because i’m in meltdown crazy mode and want to die or self destruct.

anyway, it is a lot. i find comfort in thinking that it won’t be forever. that i don’t have to work in this career forever. but i do want to get the ball rolling in life. i am 26, still at home, still acting like a big baby lately with my breakdowns and crying, and leaving messes, and yelling.

anyway, i am trying to get to the other side and get in the solution. i want to be good to myself this time. i want to be good to the people in my life. mikey does not deserve this. he is so good to me, but really, it is selfish to act this way.

i think i need to get therapy asap and get on some meds because it’s not worth it!