Late

I gave some of Terence’s shoes to Nicholas today, since he’s the only person who fits them. I’m happy they can be used, especially by someone Terence knew. I’m starting to feel a bit nostalgic about it all, even though I’m not depressed, I do notice my phrasing slowly changing, did instead of does, that sort of thing.

James married Fumi last Friday. I didn’t know the wedding was on and so missed it, Karen, his mother, was very angry with me, because she’s a lovely person, trying to ensure James is happy, well, in some cases.

Brent is coming to visit, I think maybe because Terence died, I sent an e-mail to him about it and then just yesterday I got an e-mail from him saying he’ll be over here for a month and he’ll work around my schedule. He hasn’t said that’s the reason he is coming, but it is. I was surprised, because I would never expect, less than that, I had never conceived that someone would go to all that effort, just to make sure I’m doing alright, basically to come here and look after me.

I’ve got good friends. And now I’m crying a bit, how ridiculous is that, I still haven’t cried over my father dying, but this is too much for me.

I was talking to Michael on the weekend, about how I watched Tommy, my 10 year old nephew, on the day of the funeral at the cemetery walking with us, just, blindly stumbling, in shock, he would walk with us, but not next to us, a considered distance, I asked him if he wanted to hold hands, and he refused. That’s how I was expecting to feel, just, devastated, in a daze. Michael said ‘ But you’re not a 10 year old’, I replied with ‘I guess’, but I was thinking, yes I am, you are always your parent’s child, I will always be Terence’s son, it doesn’t matter what age you are, you’re always going to be a 10 year old kid when facing them.

I had a dream with Terence in it last night, and even in my dream, my mind immediately was happy to see him. See, I guess, I didn’t know Fiona very long, and I’ve never seen her in a dream, oh wait, yes I have, but that was a very long time ago. I’m wondering at what point, or if, Terence will stop appearing in my dreams?