Aging

Looking at old pictures of Terence, when he was a boy, when he was still his father’s son, that age and mentality you have when growing up, sort of, playful and bemused in photographs, it’s so hard to match the innocence in those pictures to when I knew him, it’s actually a rare trait but Terence had no innocence left in him since I was born, my whole life, he was cynical, conspiratorial, weird habits, he would see things, extrapolate them to match his cynical understanding and then believe them, the problem is he was very intelligent, to the point that he could dominate most people he met, and so in his mind, he words were worth just that bit more, because of his superior talent, which is nonsense of course, because fundamentally one’s intelligent is responsible for the extrapolation of information, his fundamental problem was something inherent, he was terrible at perceiving a situation, so although what he extrapolated was intelligent and fine it was all useless, never possessing real meaning, because his basic perception was flawed, and that’s fatal. All the intelligence in the world, can’t explain something that was never there to begin with.

In mentality I am my father’s son, some people aren’t, but I see that in myself, Terence was Hugh’s son, and I don’t know Hugh’s relationship, but it’s a strange occurrence really, having this succession, I am in many ways out of place in this period I find, my values, are wildly different to most, there are plenty of people I know that think I’m quite vicious time to time, but I am frustrated because I believe most people aren’t sincere, and sincerity means a lot to me, I guess, I become a bit aggressive when people disappoint me, when I expect better from them, it’s disappointing. People are too quick to take their entitlement, they don’t think things through, they feel entitled to be offended, upset, angry, whatever it is, and they take it even when it means a fundamental breakdown in communication, it stops all chance of meaningful understanding, what they then expect is reconciliation on the part of the other person, for them to put the effort in to apologise, sitting their, righteously about it.

What baffles me, is how people can’t see this, and more than that, can’t see how upsetting it is to me, the person is basically saying, fuck understanding each other, fuck meaningful interaction, I just want my entitlement, I just want to be offended or angry or whatever it is, and I want you to make all the effort to reach reconciliation, because I’m entitled I don’t have to, and I won’t, so it’s up to you. Apologise, grovel, prove to me how sorry you are for upsetting me, and, the underlying unspoken message, don’t ever do it again, because it’s just going to play out like this every time.

I don’t, get the whole punishment thing, I think that’s what upsets me most, you’ve upset me, whether that was reasonable or not is irrelevant, and now I’m going to punish you for it. A lot of people just stop talking to you at that point, out of anger. Maybe it’s clearer if you think of it in physical terms, if you accidentally hurt somebody, and then they attack you in response, you would be horrified wouldn’t you? Because, under no circumstances does an accident require retaliatory behaviour, but, when dealing with abstract things like words, that’s what people do. Righteously too, they attack you, and then tell you to apologise otherwise it won’t end.

How can you respect that behaviour? You can’t, but good god trying telling them that, the majority of the time, they will then go and demonstrate your point perfectly. We’ve all experienced this before, and yet it still carries on largely unchecked.