I Love You

Today is Terence’s birthday, or, would have been, I’m not sure if you keep on counting, are you talking about how long you’ve lived or how long you’ve existed? I’m not sure. It’s Earth Day too, which is nice, I’m glad Terence was buried, circle of life and all that, he’ll grow the grass, feed the underground creatures, and carry back into the universe. So that’s something.

I was, cautious about today, not really sure how I’d feel, I’m never sure, I’ve gotten over the anger I had towards him, for being so stubborn and stupid, I, try not to let myself believe the worst, because I need to maintain my sanity, the way he died, questions I have about it, it’s unfortunate that you can’t communicate properly in your last week of life, the only thing he ever managed to say to me properly was ‘Goodbye’, and that’s heart breaking really, every time I left the hospital ward, I made a point and he made an effort, huge for him, because he understood I guess.

I might’ve said this before, but the hard part to it is knowing that I’ll never see him again, I know that sounds simple, but I hadn’t comprehended that at first, because for me he was still a big part of my everyday world, and I was angry with him in a way that was sort of like saying he’s still here, I’m still angry so he’s still here, so I do feel like my lost anger is kind of, lonely, I remember hearing about the stages of grief, I’m not sure really what they are, but I wondered if I fit into them. I don’t like those sorts of things to be honest, I find it makes people too comfortable with their response, even when it’s unreasonable.

Caitlin asked that we not take down Terence’s facebook, because she wanted him to still be there, she loved Terence, I thought it was kind of sweet and sad, because I realised that for her, in her life there is no where symbolic to go to when thinking about him, that’s down here in Sydney and a bit further up in Palmdale, that’s sort of the only place she can access.

It’s funny how loss reveals things about people, I think I underestimated how much he was loved, I always felt that I loved him the most, and he loved me the most, I genuinely believe that is true, he, was proud of me.

I remember walking down the street with a girl I had talked to on the phone but never met, I brought a friend and she brought a friend to make things less awkward, I asked her if I could hold her hand, and she obliged and we walked the rest of the day hand in hand, I don’t really know why, but I’ve always enjoyed hand holding, I used to drag Alle around everywhere, it feels, natural, good, it feels like love I guess. Tom and I think Sam might have been there as well, and Catherine, that was a strange day, it seems so removed from who I am now it’s bizarre.

Robyn’s birthday is this week, on Friday, she’s going into town to pamper herself, I hate that word, getting a haircut and colour, a pedicure/manicure and then we’re going to have dinner at the Palace restaurant, a Chinese restaurant that is just spectacular, I can’t decide whether to get a crab, like a Singapore chilli crab, or say prawns and scallops with a lamb or beef dish, it’s a good problem to have.

I’ve begun to contemplate doing things should I die somehow, I thought today, wouldn’t it be nice if I just had some, any, connection from Terence, I thought then that I will give James or Brent a letter to Robyn, to have mailed to her on my birthday, to say I that I love her and I’m well, that I haven’t been able find Nana yet but I have Terence with me, and that things are well. Robyn, needs religion, I hate the thought that she’ll go through life wearing the burden of Atheism when she is religious, for her, she finds the lack of meaning to be crippling, about if we all just die anyway and there’s nothing after it, why should I keep doing things I don’t want to, why should I struggle, what meaning is there to anything if it all just ends in such a final way. I mean, she’d know it was written by me, and before, but I think that with her faith, there would be just enough astonishment, that in some part, she’ll believe it, and at least that way, I can be sure she doesn’t die sadly, pointlessly, the way Terence died, I wouldn’t wish Terence’s death upon anyone.

There is a terrible cruelty, in robbing a great man, of it all. I think.

I don’t talk to anyone about it, my sadness over Terence, I think because I find it so sad, so desperately fucking sad, and I don’t want anyone else to feel that way.

Anyway, I love you Terence, that’s really all I wanted to say.