Stress=Anxiety

I am so stressed these days about everything.  First off I’ll start with the Army.  I was supposed to go to AIT Oct. 26th.  I reported to Louisville at the MEPS center as ordered to do so and when I got after waiting about 8 hours they send me home and tell me they can’t ship me off just yet due to Medical record technacalities.  What really happened is that they found out that I supposedly had asthma once before in my life, and I never told them that from the get go, and that of course bothers them when they did ask about asthma.  But here’s how it goes, my recruiter told me not to tell them about my past asthma problems because they probably would not let me in, so I didn’t.  And really I don’t have asthma anymore, and I’m not too sure if I ever really did.  I mean I can run 10-15 miles in the cold, pouring rain and not be all that short of breath, no more short of breath then any other runner that’s for sure.  I’m in better shape then most people, this is pathetic.  So here I sit at home waiting for an answer as to whether or not they are going to let me stay in the Army or if they’re going to medically discharge me, which I’ve been told is a possibility.  This is rediculous!

Now on to my other major problem, Holly and this guy that plagues her every move.  There is a guy, all I know of him is that his name is Jen, or well that’s supposedly just his nicname, oh and that he’s Asian, Malaysian to be exact I believe, but that’s ALL I know about this guy.  This guy according to Holly has raped her on numerous occasion, has beaten her and harrassed her, done everything morally wrong to her possible, and still does this shit while we’ve been together this whole time.  Now let me tell u, this pisses me off, this pisses me off more then u can imagine!  I have been trying so hard to find this Jen character so that I could chop his f-ing dick off and shove it down is throat!  I want to seriously kill this guy.  I have constant images of him raping her in his car running through my mind every minute of every day and it’s driving me up a wall!  I’ve nevere felt so helpless before.  And what makes things worse is that she says she doesn’t know his real name, even though she’s known him almost her entire life.  Was even friends before he started getting violent.  She doesn’t know where he lives, his phone number, what kind of car he drives, apparently he drives 3-4 different cars, she really knows nothing.  She says he’s been lying to her all this time and she has no clue who he really is.  Now I truly do believe her, if I didn’t I would be so pissed off all the time and searching for this guy so that I could mangle his body to please my yearning for vengeance.  But while I do believ her, a small part of me is not so sure, it never has been too sure at all as th whether or not she’s just yanking my chain, and there’s been times when I truly thought she wasn’t playing games with me, but then when I tell family or friends about it so I can try and get some advice on what to do, they all, ALL of them say she’s just playing games with me, pulling my chain, so while I don’t really trust her for sure, I don’t see how she could lie about something so serious for so long.  There’s nights where she’ll ball her eyes out because he’s scared her.  Right now she says she may have to have surgery because the last time he attacked her he tore something in her “private area”  and she’s truly scared out of her mind, I mean I don’t see how she could be lying but yet there’s been no real eveidence that this guy is even real or that anything.  And if there is any she won’t tell me or show me, it’s like she hides him.  And she says she does whatever he tells her to do because she has to, beng that he’s an asian male and she’ s half Japanese, she was raised to believe that way, that the asian male gets away with everything and the woman shall not say a word.  That’s bullshit and let me tell ya if it’s true, that this “honor code” of the asian really is like that then I have lost all respect I ever had for the asian culture and especially the asian man, but I don’t know if that’s true, so I want to know, so somebody enlighten me to the truth, I NEED to know the truth. 

So ya see I’m torn between everyone I know and her alone, and I fight everyone else for her because I feel like I really do love her.  I just want to know the truth, I can’t take it anymore and because I love her so much it tears my heart out not knowing if she’s lying to me or not, and if she’s not it tears me up that I can’t help her, that I can’t stop him because I don’t know anything about him and can never catch him.  Everyone tells me I don’t need this drama in my life right now, I’m too young and I need to concentrate on me and my future, but I’ve tried breaking up with her befroe, in fact I broke up with her twice now already because I didn’t trust her but I couldn’t stand being away from her.  My heart aches at the thought of not being with her, and it especially aches at the thought of hurting her again, I don’t want to see her hurt. 

So now I have trouble trusting her for sure about anything, like for example the other night she was at some guys apartment supposedly with two other girls watching movies, this guys name is Tyler he’s supposed to be some friend that I’ve never met.  But I got nosy and saw his number on her table at her house and I put it in my cell phone.  I called him the night that they were together because I wanted to ask him some questions.  She had told me that he knew who I was and that I was her boy friend and how I’m in the Army just like he is and all that, but I wanted to be sure, so I called him and asked if he knew who I was after telling him my name, he said no,  I asked if he even knew that Holly had a b/f, he said no.  So at this point I immediatly thought she was cheating on me, which blew my mind because she seriously doesn’t seem like the type who would cheat, I mean I know this girl, she’s not that type, but yet things were not making sense.  So then I see her later and she tells me that he told her about our convo and that he had only said what he said to me because he was afraid that I was going to find him and kick his ass, but my question is, why would I want to kick his ass, what would make him think that?  Unless….. are ya getting where I’m coming from?  Yet she swears she’s not cheating and she’s pissed that I would ever think like that, but how would u think about it?  Wouldn’t you be curious if ur g/f was at some strange guys apartment that u’ve never even met and he tells u over the phone that he doesn’t know u or that u are even dating the girl after she said he knew everything, does that make any sense at all?  I really don’t want to think she’s cheating, but I can’t help it, nothing she ever says makes a lot of sense because she never has proof to back it up, and when she found that I had Tyler’s number in my cell phone she demanded that I delete it in front of her, why?  Why can’t I just talk to the guy, what is she so afraid of?

Somebody please give me somethin, some advice I need all the help I can get and please don’t just be like, lose the chick dude, she ain’t worth it, I need more.  I don’t know wha

t to do. 

We’ve even talked about marriage in the late future and are serious about it, but I don’t see how I can marry a woman that I can’t truly trust and she can’t even prove to me that I can… 

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