No Where To Turn

Well, it’s been a while.  Just a couple of days ago I told Holly how I felt about this situation.  She didn’t take it too well, and I didn’t think she would, of course..  I mean how would u take it if I basically, but not right out said u were crazy.  I don’t know what else to do, I wasn’t going to say anything like that at all to her but we got in an arguement and it came out.  She called me a pushover and that sent me over the edge.  I asked if I’m a pushover what does that make her, her being the one that pushes me around all the time, but contradictively allows this so called Jin character to push her around.  I want to end it but I can’t for numerous reasons, one it’s almost Christmas and it just seems wrong to break up with someone so close to Christmas, also I’m just not 100% positive that I want to break up with her, a small part of me tells me I’ll miss her too much.  Plus I just don’t know how, I’ve already broke up with her twice before in our 9 and 1/2 month time together and I promised I’d stay with her till the end, and at the time I meant it, or so I thought I did, but I don’t see how I can.  I don’t trust her and she doesn’t trust me, how can we be together forever if we have no trust?  And I really do think she has problems, she’s not mentally stable, and if she is and I’m just coinsidentally missing this guy everytime he comes around, well I’m tired of that too then.  I don’t want to have to live with the idea that he is out there stalking her and there’s nothing I can do about it.  Hell, I’ve tried, but she won’t help me to catch him at all, if he’s even real….

I once thought that I was in love with her, but now I think I may be realizing that not to be true.  I think I’m holding on to this relationship more for the reason that I don’t like to be alone, I like having someone to be with in a serious relationship, not just as a friend you know?  What it really is I think is that I want so badly to really be in love and I don’t even know why when I know all love brings is pain and sorrow, especially if the person you love has problems that can’t be fixed, or if the person you love cannot be with you for some reason, or doesn’t even want to be with you.  Love is way too painful and yet I yearn for it so bad.  I want it and I don’t want it, but the part that wants it is dominating my emotions.  This is probably why I really still with Holly, I’m hoping I guess that I love her, but I’m really not sure that I do, and I’m not sure that I want to, with her anyways. 

My life is in shambles, with Holly, the military, getting into college ok, work, family problems, it’s driving me insane.  I can handle it, I will handle it, it’s just a heavy load to handle.  My mom has been trying to help me make a decision on whether or not I should leave Holly, she had me make a list of the negatives and positives about her.  The negative list turned out being longer, that’s not a good thing, but both lists were quite long, and the positive list had some really good things on it.  I don’t know, I think if I really think about what I want, I think I want to end this with Holly and move on, I just don’t want to hurt her again and I know I’m going to and that tears me apart inside.  Seeing her cry after I told her I didn’t believe a lot of what she said made me feel terrible, but I really don’t, nothing she says makes sense, it’s like everything she says is an excuse of some sort, lies and deceit to keep me in her grasp, but that could just be me being paranoid.

Well I’m gnna get off here and try to get some sleep.  Talk to ya lata,

Goo