Second

Lock,

Being  second is the worst feeling. You are left questioning and second guessing everything. I watched Ford vs Ferrari, and thought about Ken Miles and his realization that he came second, the emotion of being robbed, and then dying  a few months later not being able to redeem his well earned status. It hit home….. The simple act of falling second. I didn’t want that, feeling like a second, when I know full well I am a first.

It took one date to define the moment I was done… done being second! Married couples, get into ruts, but this rut is something I can’t figure out. A few weeks ago we were walking the streets of our small town, just escaping or trying to find something new to do. See … we are at that point that marriage has almost turned into being roommates, and it seems that both of us are noticing, and we know we need to do something about it. So in an effort to reconnect…. we have been making it priority to go out away from work and home, and just spend time being us. Constructive right?

Problem is we have been so busy with our lives that a decade has past, and if it’s not PG, we don’t even know what is fun in this small town. The past year I have made big overtures, planning out of state trips, and seeing new things, while he has done…. well nothing. I take that back for Valentine’s Day he decided to take us back to our first date. I knew what it was, but I appreciated the thought, he just planned the dinner and nothing else. Once more my job was to find something to do.  I know I sound bitter, but this I hoping of reinvention of us has fallen solely on me

So, on this infamous date,  I broke down , tears and all, and let everything out. It needed to happen. You can only hold in so much emotion before things need to come out for sanity ‘s sake.

I broke down and let my heart on the line. I’m holding on by a thread because I now know I am second when I should of always been a first.

You know that moment in movies when you see the rope begin to unravel and the person in peril is reaching for hand or something to grab on. Then there is the other POV when the person feels helpless and they are trying to reach and are searching for stick or something to grab hold of the person. Well I’m there…. will I get rescued?  Will he reach out? Make an effort? Or will I see the fibers unravel and see us fall apart?

See the person who comes second, they usually fall. The winner is normally pulled up. Do I just fall? Or hope that it’s a photo finish and I actually come in first?