Restless and Anxious

I haven’t updated in a couple days, mainly because there’s not much new and I am also finding myself extremely restless most of the time. I can’t seem to sit through one thing for very long without my mind wandering to something else, something I think I should be doing instead. It’s actually starting to drive me mad. Anyways, my weight……I am, as of this morning, down to 97.5lbs but I know that it’s not real weight that I have lost because if I let myself eat say over 1000cals then my weight goes up almost 2lbs and I am right back to where I started. So I tell myself this everything in the hopes of not binging and I actually kind of works cuz I tell myself as soon as I get down a bit more I will let myself eat. However, that time of indulgence never seems to come. Oh well. Each day I make it through without binging at night seems to me to be a success. Another day passed. The words of my doc keep running through my head everytime I even think of eating. Last appointment with him I told him I can’t seem to lose much weight and he’s like, "Ya well if you are not eating, then you will lose weight". That hit a note with me. Maybe I am then allowing myself to eat too much, binging too often and not purging enough up. I felt kinda guilty after he said that and now when I think of eating I remember his words. If I don’t eat, I will lose, regardless of the tricks the scale tells me. That keeps me going.

Anyways, I am so glad the weekend is here. I love weekends, they are more relaxed. I had a great day today with my kids. We went for a nice walk outside as the sun was shining and it was absolutely beautiful and felt so nice. I kept my anger in check, thank goodness. I always feel better when I am not a snappy bitch. For dinner we ate on the carpet really early as my daughter and I were going to have a picnic on our balcony and then my hubby came home early. She really wanted to have a picnic but it was 3:30pm and we usually eat dinner at 5 so I concluded that we would heat up some left over chicken and then have whatever snacks with that while watching a movie. That way we could have our picnic and she could sort of eat something for dinner at the same time. She would not wait until after dinner and I knew that if we munched out now, she wouldn’t be hungry for dinner. This worked for me as I got to eat earlier in the day and get it over with. I had a bit of chicken, some puffed wheat cereal, popcorn, apple, some baby carrots, a granola bar and 2 of my homemade brownies. It’s a lot I know. But my weight surprisingly is actually going down not up so I don’t feel too guilty about it. However there is that Voice in my head that says, well imagine what you would have weighed had you not eaten at all. Then I start to feel a bit guilty for indulging. Seems to be a no win situation with this damn ED. I hate it but love it. It gives me a sense of purpose, control and structure. I like it. At the same time, I sometimes hate it. I seem to be more energized, get more done, spend more quality time with my kids when I am restricting. That makes me feel good. When I eat, however, I feel absolutely empty and lifeless. I feel like just sleeping when I eat. I can’t stand the horrible anxiety and guilt it gives me. 

I was planning on allowing myself to watch a movie and munch on popcorn tonight but seeing how I already ate tons earlier I don’t think I will. I am really wanting to get my weight down before I bring it back up again. I need the scale to stay at the same weight for a few days before I let myself indulge cuz then it takes a couple days to get it back down and those couple days are horrid to live with. Anyways, I think I will go read for a bit then maybe watch a movie. Hope my mind lets me do something other than wander in circles.