So scared, lost, and alone

The other day I stepped on the scale in the morning and I was 95.5lbs. I wasn’t as excited as I thought I would be at that weight. It seems no weight now excites me, except that gaining weight, even a pound puts me into panic mode. I am feeling totally lost now and not sure how I am going to fight this.

Most of the time I feel this weird pressure in my chest and my vision is funky. I am scared that something might happen to me and then it will be too late to change. At the same time, I don’t feel that I am really that "anorexic". I mean I am barely in the double digits. I should be ok. I think I will be. It’s the not knowing for certain that scares me. I am terribly cold all the time, my body literally aches all over. But I do still get bursts of energy and don’t even feel hungry.

Last night I was going to allow myself to eat whatever because I had my weight down and I hadn’t eaten all day. So when my hubby went out I ate some popcorn, a granola bar, some puffed wheat cereal with skim milk, a nutrigrain bar, 1 bowl of cream of wheat (no milk, just splenda), a few chocolate foil balls, some nerds. I felt so sick afterwards and tried to purge but nothing came up. Nothing at all. I guess it’s good. I kept trying to tell myself, it’s ok I need the food for Tahir. It helped a bit but I was still determined not to eat tomorrow. My weight of course went up. That always disappoints me cuz then I start thinking, "I wonder what I could have weighed in the morning had I not eaten right before bed". That bums me out. I was back up to 98lbs this morning, which sucks cuz I know had I not eaten I would have been 96lbs. I seem to binge everytime I am about to hit a new lower weight and I am not sure why. I do this everytime. Even though I have been dying for the scael to be lower, I wreck it by eating.

After my binge, you could literally see one side of my stomach popping out where I am assuming all my food was. It was so weird. My stomach was lopsided. Today I am having pain up my right side of my body. Up my back and sometimes my throat and ear and head. But it’s only on the one side. It’s kinda weird. Not sure why it’s like that.  Anyways, today I plan on eating this dinner I am making from this new recipe book I bought. It’s just simple, easy recipes for ground beef. I have extra lean ground beef so I am trying to tell myself it’s ok. Still, I don’t even want to know how many calories I will be eating, which is why no food for me until dinner….I must wait. Seems I am eternally waiting for dinner, lol.

I went to church on Sunday and I felt like an idiot. When the service let out and I was waiting for my husband to come get me and the kids. I was standing out in the foyer and I felt people starring at me, the pastor and his wife, and some other people I know. The pastor knows I have an ED so I am sure he knew what is going on. But this other lady that I know came up to me when I was leaving and took the carseat out to the car for me. I kept wondering if she did that cuz she could tell I looked weak. I feel like a loser. A friend at group also said she can tell by looking at me that I am anorexic. But, honestly I still don’t see it. I don’t feel or look any thinner than the average thin girl out there. But I wonder if people can tell…..Anyways, I am going to go for now. Hope you all are doing ok and hanging in there..