Hate my Husband

Thanks for all the notes from everyone. I have been having a horrible day today. I was feeling that tightness or pressure in my chest again so I called the nurse line who told me to go in to see the doc today. My husband came home while I was on the phone and I told him why I had called and that they told me to go in. He just rolled his eyes, gave a huge breath and didn’t say anything. I could tell he was irritated and didn’t want me to go in. He gets like that anytime something comes up for me, especially if it inconviences his plans. After that I got angry, held it in and was determined not to eat, even hoping that I would collapse and then he might see. I spent the rest of the afternoon, constantly working or exerting myself. I just felt like I couldn’t stop "doing" something. It felt good to be in pain, to hurt physically. I kept telling myself "I don’t deserve to eat" I am worthless, I suck, I hate myself, I hope I die.

Then, I made dinner, intending to have a nice family meal together. My hubby had taken our daughter to the park but said he would be back in time for dinner. He was 30 mins late, Tahir our son, goes to bed early so i like to eat early so we can all eat together. Well, I am not a good cook and dinner wasn’t as great as I thought and my hubby was eating so slowly, like it was pure torture. I felt bad. Nobody even likes what I cook so why try. Anyways, I was a bit huffy and down and my hubby exploded at me and told me he doesn’t even know why we’re together. I said because of the kids. He said from now on we’re just roommates ok. I said no, you leave then. He’s like go on some drugs. Then he said "GO JUMP OFF THE BALCONY" I told him to grow up, not to argue in front of the kids and told him quietly and calmly that I didn’t want to argue. He just kept baiting me, so I stepped outside, feeling like self-harming, hating myself even more, more determined not to eat.

So here i am living with someone who hates me and whom I hate. Yet, I won’t leave him and I know he won’t leave me. This is horrible. I hate my life. I wish I had a loving husband who doesn’t find me a burden when I am anything but happy. If I for instance say I am too hot in the car he will say "man, you need a car made especially for you". If I complain that I am sick, he gets annoyed, yet when he is sick he moans and groans and asks me to do extras with the kids. Well I do everything, even when I am sick so why should he get special treatment. I hate it. It’s so annoying. I don’t know how to be good enough for him. It seems nothing I do will ever please him….