Just Confused.

Have you ever found yourself in one of those “life defining” moments…where you know that you have to make a decision that could ultimately effect the rest of your life…and you keep thinking to yourself that one day you’re going to look back and either regret your decision or be thankful for it…there’s just so much pressure…this has been the last month of my life.

I still haven’t decided if I made the best decision or not. I can’t even tell for sure if I actually MADE a decision, or just postponed the action all together. Maybe I just opted for the easiest solution, hanging out and seeing how things work…But I don’t want to hang on just for the sake of doing so, but I also don’t want to let go just because I’m afraid. It all seems so complicated and I know it shouldn’t be. I really don’t have anyone else to blame but myself. *sighs* I really just don’t know anymore, and maybe that’s what’s bothering me the most…just not knowing…

As if I didn’t already have enough to deal with, school sucks this semester. I hate all of my classes but one, and I have at least 3 tests all at once this week. I’m so close to declaring my minor, yet I’m second guessing everything. Sometimes I sit in class and wonder why I’m even in college in the first place, but then I remember: “Because you don’t want to be a waitress for the rest of your life…” But who says that sitting in an office and driving a boring 4-door sedan is any more fun? Maybe I just don’t want to be a grown-up. Like I said, almost everything has come down to decision time for me, and this is just one of them…

I found out Thursday that Lauren is leaving in two weeks to prepare to go to Iraq. Well actually she has to go to some kind of special ops training for a few months first, but she still has to go over seas. She just found out and is taking it pretty hard, especially since everything has been going so great for her and her new boyfriend. So my best friend and future roommate is leaving to go to Iraq so she can rebuild everything that our people have been blowing up for the past year and a half…perfect.

Can you see the direction my life has been taking here recently? I’m afraid that at any second my boyfriend of over 3 years is going to dump me just because he wants to “do his own thing…” I’m questioning my major, my minor, and even my decision to go to college altogether and my best friend is going to war…*sighs* when it rains it pours…

I know that not all things are bad. And I’m sure that things are going to get better; I’ve always believed that things happen for a reason. I know I’m just having a “down” in my life right now. I learned all of these things years ago in therapy, so I know the inner workings of what’s going on right now. I just need to release some things and deal with a few others. And yes, I sometimes wish that someone could be there to hold my hand and tell me that it’s going to be ok. Because even though I know that it is, it still helps to know that somebody is there to listen. And it hurts more than anything else in the world that the one person who I expected to be there for me the most, has refused.

Maybe I should go back to therapy…