just not ok

I’ve been feeling very sad lately. I like break out of it for a little and I’m happy but deep down I’m still hurting. Every time Mike comes into my life I get so depressed and just can’t break out of it.

Yesterday I told him we were done for good. I told him to stop texting me and that I’m never speaking to him again….he was really angry but he stopped texting me so I guess it worked. Maybe now I can fully start to get better and get over him. I’ve never actually gotten rid of him I always was the one to randomly disappear without saying anything. 

I’m not sure what going on with me and Eric anymore. Its like awkward being with him kind of. Like I want to go back to the way we were before we left for break but we’ve just been acting as friends since we got back. And don’t get me wrong I don’t mind it…I guess I was just expecting more. I didn’t even kiss him when we walked to his dorm. Normally we’d kiss and I’d leave but this time it was just like as if we were nothing but friends. I don’t know what he wants and I don’t want to like force it on him you know? We were so close and now I feel like we’re kind of distant. Maybe we just have to get back into it.

I’m going to wait for him to make the first move though. I can’t handle rejection right now from anyone. I’ll literally burst into tears. God I hate being like this. Everything makes me want to break down and cry. All I want is someone to hold me so I can let it all out and cry but the only person who would do that is Alex and only Goddess knows when I’ll next see him. 

I’m going to go take a nap..I have major cramps and a huge headache…maybe a nap will help considering I haven’t slept in a few days…Every night I get maybe 2-3 hours at most of fitful sleep then I wake up and I’m done. I hate it….

write later bye 🙁

 *Sandra*