another great night :)

I spent last night with Daniel. His roommates went home for break yesterday at around 6 when Daniel and I both had class until 840. After our classes we hung out in my room for a bit then moved up to his room. He is on a lofted bed (like a bunk bed kind of but instead of another bed under his he has hes desk and stuff) so he took his mattress and put it on the floor. He put Hancock on on his laptop and during the entire movie we were having sex. Thats like over 2 hours I think. It was incredible.

He is so good. Like god damn he’s fucking amazing. I feel bad though because he does most of the work. But, when I get on top I feel like it’s no where near as good as when he’s on top. I feel kind of like inferior in a way you know? Like I always thought I was like pretty good in bed but then I meet him and I’m like "well fuck guess I’m not as good as I thought huh?" I want to satisfy him the way he satisfies me but I don’t really know how I guess…I don’t know maybe I’m just over thinking things again. 

Anyway I hope he has as much fun as I do. My legs are sore and my pussy is still like throbbing a bit. It’s a little painful to walk and I have some bruises on my thigh. You know that was amazing sex lol. 

I’m a little scared to be falling for him so hard. What if he never breaks up with his girlfriend? Or what if over the summer he goes to work for her dad? I’m not sure I can handle knowing that he’s going to be spending a the summer with her…It kinda hurts just thinking about it.

But, I want him to be happy. I wish I was with him. He’s spending his spring break at school because he doesn’t really have another option. I went home for break. I wish I could’ve brought him home with me. My parents wouldn’t go for that though especially since they think me and Alex are still together…

Yea..I didn’t tell them. I don’t think I’m going to anytime soon. 

I can’t get Daniel off my mind. I miss him so much and it hasn’t even been a day. This week is going to suck. I hate being home. I wish I could just spend breaks and stuff at school. I’m so isolated at home. I can’t go out unless my parents say its ok. I can’t go on walks during the day because my mom is fucking paranoid. I can’t do anything. I hate it. My mom is constantly picking fights with me. My dad is making me feel bad about myself again. I miss Alex. I want to see him but he wont even talk to me. I miss Jessica. I want to see her and Alicia soon. I need my friends. 

I want to cry. I put on such a brave face for the world but honestly I want to curl up into a ball and cry. I hate what I’ve become. I’m a boyfriend stealing home wrecker who cheated on her own boyfriend of four years and then broke up with him. I want Daniel to make a choice but I definitely don’t want to force him. He’ll probably choose her anyway. Why would he choose me? I’m probably just some girl who he can get his way with. 

No, I’m not. I can’t be. All those things he said….I can’t just be some girl.

Can I?

I think I’m just tired and upset. I start thinking irrationally when I’m like this. I need some rest. 

I need a really good cry. I haven’t legitimately cried since December. I just wish I had someone here for me. I can’t text Alex because he doesn’t want to talk to me at the moment. I feel bad throwing my problems on Daniel. And I don’t really go to anyone else anymore. 

I know it’s only 9 but I think I’m just gunna go to bed. Have myself a good solid cry and fall asleep. 

*Sandra*