I cried..

I cried a lot last night.  I spoke to Alex….he was like can you stop checking up on me..it only makes it hurt more. And i was like when we broke up before you checked up on me all the time. his reply, "Yea but this is different." Why?! Because now you’re the one being hurt? Way to be a hypocrite. Anyway. I was all upset and started crying a little bit. It wasn’t much but it was still enough. 

Did I mention I was on skype with Daniel?

Yea talk about awkward. Crying over my ex in front of the guy I’m falling for and who is (hopefully) falling for me. 

I don’t let people see me cry. Only like 6 people have seen me cry. And each of them have seen it once and only once…I made sure of that. I don’t cry in front of people. I feel vulnerable. I am a Cancer. I have a hard exterior. Sure, inside, I’ll cry at anything. Outside though, never. 

So I cried in front of him. Great. Ok I got over it. Then the stupid, little masochist inside me thought it would be a good idea to watch the two videos I made for Alex when we were dating. One video was one that I had made for our anniversary. It had a bunch of pictures of us and a cute message at the end…so I started crying. Then just cuz I’m an idiot I watched the other one which I made when I cheated on him the first time and told him. I made it to apologize. It was a bunch of I’m sorry and forgive me pictures and pon and zi mixed in with our pictures. I cried so hard at one of Marshal and Lily because he always said we would be like them when we got older. I put that in there just for him because he would understand what I was getting at. I cried and cried so hard. It was like an ugly cry too. There was tears and snot and sobs and ugh i was just a mess. And Daniel saw all of it. I wanted to die. But, in a way I’m glad he was there. I didn’t want to be even more alone than I already felt. 

I’m not going to lie. I miss Alex but he’s just such a douche bag. I want to move on. But I feel so stuck. Cuz like what if he changes or something. I mean he started to before I left I just didn’t care anymore. But then again maybe I should just move on. I mean Daniel is amazing. We could really become something….if he ever leaves his girlfriend. 

I still wonder if he likes me…like am I stupid? I talk to him literally all day everyday until like 4 in the morning. 

But still, in my head it’s like….what does he really feel about you? About all of this? About our situation? Does he like me? Would he leave his girlfriend for me? Why hasn’t he by now? Is it really because she’s depressed? Is it cuz he still loves her? Does he still think about her? In like a sexual way?

Apparently she sexts him. Does he like it?

Ugh!! So many questions I’m too afraid to ask/know the answer to. 

I kind of wanna know how he feels about his girlfriend. But yea…too afraid to know the answer. 

*sigh* I’m heading off…night everyone

*Sandra*