Watch my Head Spin

I am another year older. ::scratches head:: Guess I should update my main page thingy. I was, of course, ill for my birthday. I had to go to class though. I missed the previous two days of school. I was praying school would be canceled due to the snow, but no such luck. I woke up extra early to beat the slow ass “I-have-lived-in-Chicago-all-my-life-but-still-can’t-drive-in-snow” traffic. I figured, if I couldn’t feel good for school, might as well look good. And, I did for the most part.

Danny called me as my first class was ending, to see if I made it to school. I walked in, sweat pouring from my body due to a fever. I just felt like shit. He tried to asure me that I looked great. Danny is a sweetheart… if only he were a few years older. He still has the mentality of a 19 year old. But, we have vowed to hang out sooner or later. Now that I know Stadium has Karaoke and does not card on Tuesday nights, I might have to drag him out here. But, to get to the real juicy story of the birthday…

So, a few days prior to my birthday, for no reason whatsoever, I e-mailed Brian. I hadn’t seen him in almost a month, heard from him perhaps two or three times, and my mind was running faster than my heart. My e-mail basically said that things with us would never happen, it was just a fact. He has new responsibilities and will always have Candice and a child in his life, he just didn’t have time for a friend like me. But, I told him to keep contact. A day or two later, I receive an e-mail back from him, apologizing for being so busy, and that he wanted to see me this week, and he signed it “Love, Brian”. Later that night, as I was dying in bed, I got a call from him. He asked me what I was up to, I told him I was dreadfully sick, and about to die. We made idol chit chat for a bit, then he asked what I was doing for my birthday. “Um, not sure yet. Probably just hanging out with the Houli’s crowd, you know, Dakota’s or Idols or something. Why?” “Well, I wanted to join you, so call me on your birthday, let me know where you are going, I’ll meet you up there. I’ll let you get some rest, feel better, goodnight.” I hung up, and laid in bed amazed… he wanted to hang out with MY FRIENDS?!?!? Um, ok.

So, the day arrives, I am still kinda sick, but decide to go out to Idols with some friends. I called him, “Hey, we are going to Idols. You can meet us up there if you want. If you don’t, at least call me and wish me a happy birthday. Take care, bye.” We go to Idols, play darts, and I can feel my cold medicine and alcohol beginning to mix in a BAD way. I go to the bathroom, wrap my head up in a ponytail, and pat myself down with a wet cloth. I walk back out to where everyone is seated, vowed to finish my drink and then leave. Just as I was taking my last sip, putting out my last cigarette, I turn and there he is. I threw my arms around him, introduced him to everyone, and got another drink. We played some darts, and then everyone decided to go to Dakotas. Mike had asked me how he should act around Brian, I told him “Like we always do!” The entire way to Dakota’s, I was talking about Mike the entire time. I wanted him to be friends with my friends.

We get to Dakota’s, walk in, find a spot on the dance floor, and we are having a blast. Brian, poor kid, can’t dance for the life of him, but he has fun, and that is one of the things I love about him. I had so much fun with him there. He made my birthday a blast. At one point, we were sitting in the booth, and I pulled him onto my lap. He held my hand, stroked my knee. We got up to dance, and I kept feeling his face bury into the back of my neck… smelling my hair. I was dancing with all my other friends too, including Mikey. Me and Mikey, bumping and grinding all dirty on the dance floor, not meaning to make Brian jealous, but Mikey leaned over and said, “Do you think we are making him jealous?” I dunno, but he should not be. So, I left with Brian, Mikey telling him to “have fun” as we left. He had to drive me back to my car.

I get to my car, scrap the snow off, and leave the parking lot, calling Brian on my cell. “You stopping by or going home?” “I’ll stop by for a few minutes.” We get inside, go upstairs, and he sits on my bed. I sit behind him, wrap my legs around him and just hug him…as if it were the last time I ever would. We laid down, cuddled, and did some “stuff”. I fell right to sleep, and that was the first night in a week I have slept that soundly. A straight five hours, no interruptions, no tossing, no turning. When I woke up, I was next to him. I wrapped an arm around his waist, and lightly traced the scar down his stomach. It was so nice to lay there with him. Once again, he buried his face in my hair, breathed in, and sighed “I love the smell of your hair.” We watched TV in my room, and had some lunch, just joked around, had a blast. I showered for work, we left my house the same time… looks like a few minutes turned into a few hours. I told him he could call me next week. He left, and I smiled the rest of the day.

I don’t know what to do. He has a baby due in 11 days… and every time I see him, I fall in love all over again. And it sucks, big time. I love him, but I can’t and can never be with him. I wish it were different, but it’s not. The ball is in his court now. But, he knows I am here for him, and will always love him, and that I can’t wait for the next time we are together, so he can smell my hair, stroke my back, and tell me he loves me. I may have to wait for a long time, but I’m in no hurry.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the strength to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I know God will help me know what to do.