Friends and lovers

Wow- I a little overwhelmed right now. So much has happened, but I won’t read into anything, as I tend to do. I guess it starts last weekend.

My friend Kimmy got a hotel room at the House of Blues and a few of us decided to go out for a night on the town. So, Kimmy, Kumari, Candice, Raf and I all headed out to the bars. We drank, danced, laughed, and got too wasted to do anything but sleep. We get back to the hotel room, I lay down on the bed, set the alarm for 7 so I can be to the 9 AM church service Sunday morning. I am laying under the covers, and Raf plops next to me, on top of the covers, I rested my head on the pillow, he placed his head next to mine. I bring my hand up to my neck, and he grabs it and starts to gentely rub it. Next thing I know, he leans in and kisses me. We start kissing, groping and all at the same time, try to keep it quiet. “Stop,” I say. “We are friends, we can’t do this.” “You’re right.” So, we stopped, for about five minutes. Things start to get heated, so he takes my hand and leads me to the bathroom.

Clothes go flying, it starts to get hot and sweaty, and we stop again, “We can’t do this.” “You’re right.” We stop, go back to bed- in another fiteen minutes, we are back in the bathroom, this time with a blanket to put on the cold concrete floor. Once again, we stop- for the last time. No sex, but we did basically everything else. We get dressed, go back to bed, and he cuddles me to sleep. I wake up the next morning, and go to church.

I get to thinking about it- I was drunk, I know that much. He, on the other hand, was the more sober of the group. I was afraid to face him at work, if things were weird. They weren’t. We just acted as we always do- stupid jokes, playful banter. I was relieved. So, this Saturday, we all go to Karaoke at Fridays (The guy never called me, but, made conversation with me this week, hehe- he’s cute) Mike decides he wants to go to Hunters, I want to go home, so I invite some people back over. Raf and Judy, to be exact.

Judy is on the computer, and Raf and I are playing drinking card games. Mike comes home, drunk as ever, and goes straight to bed, but Joel has come back with him. Raf and him get to talking. I tell them, I am going to bed. Raf said he is going to spend the night, so, I told him I had a blanket in my room if he needed it. I excuse myself and lay in my room, letting sleep drift over me. I am awoken by Raf running a hand over my cheek. He tucks me in, then hops in behind me. Once again, we start going at it. Within minutes, it’s getting too much to take. We don’t have sex though, I always stop him. I tell him I must shower… he leads me there, and jumps in with me. He washes my hair, my face, my body. We hop out and go back to bed. We talk this time though… about his past relationships, and mine. We cuddle, joke, make out, and go back to sleep… 7:30 AM- this guy is bad for my sleeping habits.

I woke up this morning, got dressed, and go out on the couch, where Raf joins me. We chat, watch TV, and he leaves, giving me a hug. I look in the mirror- my hair in disarray, and small little hickies all over my neck. I told him I bruised easily. Of course, I have to tell Mike all about it. Mike, very calmly says, “I think something serious is going to happen with you two. I just have a feeling.” Question is- could I do that? He’s been such a good friend to me, and I have so many issues, I couldn’t burden him with that. I don’t know. I guess we will just wait and see.

It’s strange though- the first time, I was completely trashed, which is when I usually make the move. He was sober… he grabbed MY hand… he leaned in a kissed me FIRST… could I be in a relationship with him? I don’t know- our friends are all so tight. If anything were ever to go wrong, our circle of friends would fall apart. Or maybe I am just too scared to feel anything for a guy, I don’t want to be hurt. I see how falling in love has hurt my family, and I have seen enough hurt to last me ages… I just want to be happy, you know?

It reminds me of the elevator at school. The certification sign says, “I HAVE THIS DAY” before it tells you that the day it has is the day of the last inspection. I want to HAVE this day, but just one day at a time. Time heals all wounds… but, is there enough time for them all to heal?