Overdramatic or are the dramatics over?

There is nothing that can explain it all. It’s insane. Absolutely over the top. Starts Thursday, and I am going to try and make it short and sweet- the abridged version.

I had e-mailed Brian. His daughter’s birthday was on Wednesday, and I told him me and Mike were having a party the day after to celebrate St. Patty’s day. I told him to call me, and he did. He stopped by with beer and everyone was having a peachy time. Now, the other guy I wrote about, Raf, was there too. Me and Brian were talking in the kitchen, about his daughter and Candice, and life, and mistakes. He listened as I cried about my family breaking apart, and he told me about his life. It was the greatest conversation we had had in years. My friend Cnadice walked into the kitchen, and starts talking with him. “You’re a good guy Brian, otherwise I woudl not let you talk to Liz. Plus, you still love this girl.”  “Of course I do!” ::Liz… stunned… speechless:: She and him talked a while, and then he said it, “Liz, you and I weren’t ready back then. Who knows? In five years time, maybe you and I will be back together with children of our own.” At this point, I look at Candice, she sees the tears welling up in my eyes, and takes me back to my room. She calms me down, I was floored- I was OVER him. DONE. And he says he still loves me? She tells me I have two choices- Brian or Raf. I was set to choose Raf. Brian won- because he was drunk.

We start kissing, things get heavier, and move to the room. The next morning, he leaves, and I go back to sleep, only to be awoken by a phone call, from Candice- not mine, HIS- the mother of his child. She bitched me out for Brian not calling HOME… they now lived with each other. She said she hated that he saw me, and blah blah blah- I lied, and told her that he spent the night because he was drunk, which wasn’t a complete lie. I found out from my mom that Candice sent the cops to my house looking for Brian. So, I e-mail Brian about all of this, only to receive an e-mail from her, apologizing. So, I forwarded the e-mail to him. Then, sent him another e-mail this morning saying if he didn’t try to contact me, I would leave him alone for ever, only to receive another e-mail from Candice, bitching me out for everything I have ever done with Brian, explaining to me that she knew what happened, and broke up with Brian, but he begged to get back with her.

I didn’t want to get dragged into this, and now I am in deeper than ever. I sent her an e-mail, explaining as nicely as I could that I was sorry, and now I just received another from her- Brian is no longer allowed to talk to me ever again. Guess that it’s over. I am kind of upset. I have been wrapped up in Brian for nearly three and a half years- but I guess this is God’s way of telling me to move on. Karma- it’s a bitch, eh? I think I should be crying, but I’m not. I’m over him. Maybe he’ll read this, since I can’t e-mail him nor can he e-mail me ever again- Candice’s orders. I’ll call him tomorrow and leave a message on his phone to read this.

Brian- What can I say? She won. You told me when you found out she was pregnant that you would never marry her, but be there for her. Well, from what she says, you two are well down that path. I don’t know who to believe anymore. And I can’t talk to you- her orders. I want to tell her off SO badly, but I won’t, because it would only hurt you. I held my tongue, and I’ll probably regret it. I guess I’ll just forget what you said in the kitchen Thursday night, and forget the nights we spent together, thinking that someday we would end up together. Who are we kidding? Candice owns you now. I guess I am just most upset that I will never again be able to see your friends, who were once friends with me too. And when you two get married, I wish you the best of luck, and the happiest of your days, though you probably don’t believe that. If you do read this, please, leave a note, since you can’t e-mail me, talk to me, see me, think of me, wonder about me, dream of me anymore. Maybe you can talk to your mother, I mean Candice, and she will let us keep contact via e-mail- pointless little shoot- the-shit e-mails. Though, I highly doubt it. Guess you can just read about my life in this little diary. One thing I would like to say to you though: don’t let someone else run your life, think for yourself. Grow some fucking BALLS. But, I guess she means more to you then I ever did. Since I can’t talk to you anymore, please, just let Candice know that I don’t want anymore e-mails from her either. Although, her email name fits her perfectly, “Um,no”, I can practically hear her saying that. Maybe you should read some of the e-mails she sent me, instead of her just reading the ones I send you. I am just more upset with myself- to let you effect me once again. It seems everytime I have moved on, you have BRIAN RADAR and come back into my life, by saying you still love me, by saying you and Candice are not doing so hot, by playing on my emotions and making me feel sorry for you and your situation.  So, stop it. Leave me alone, and I’ll leave you alone. Just know that somewhere deep inside, I’ll probably always love you- my first love, my first heartbreak, my first everything. Take care of yourself.

I won’t feel bad for what I did. Fuck it, I’m not the child, Candice is. Maybe someday Brian will see that. One thing is for sure… he can say goodbye to ever being with me. He dug his own grave, hope he enjoys the dark as he buries himself in it. I am going to cry now, because I just realized something: the Brian chapter is closed. I don’t know if I’ll ever have the strength to love again.