Maybe…

I’ve been thinking lately (no, really, Liz? THINKING? That’s CRAZY!) Maybe Brian didn’t ever love me at all… Maybe I was just one of those scared fresh-outta-high-school girls who never had a serious relationship and when one stared her in the face, she hung on for dear life. Maybe I frabricated the entire relationship and how much we meant to each other. Maybe I never really loved him. Maybe I just thought I did because for once in my life, someone gave me the time of day. For once in my life, someone thought I was beautiful and sexy and wanted to kiss me and touch me and hold me and hungered for me to lie with him in bed. Maybe I just thought it was love because I never really knew what love was. So many maybe’s that I will never get confirmed. Never.

Maybe I am starting to fall for Raf…. which is bad. We both like other people. But it’s hard to think there is nothing there when I woke up this morning, turned over, and Raf had the “nook” open for me. I put my head on his chest, right over his heart. I listened intently as it buh-bummed buh-bummed buh-bummed over and over again. He kissed my forehead, and I traced my nails all over his stomach. I touched my lips and giggled, “What?” he said. “Nothing, I just love how my lips feel after I have been kissing.” We fell back asleep. When I woke up again, I touched his chest, and in a smooth movement, we wear interlocking an arm and holding hands. I turned to check the clock, he pulled himself right up behind me and found that place on my neck, kissed it, and then nuzzled right in there… melted right in there. I couldn’t stop smiling, the entire morning. Maybe it scares me that he keeps his eyes open with so much heat and friction in the room, just to stare directly into my eyes. Maybe it scares me that every time I want to ask him what we are doing, why we are doing this, I just smile instead. And maybe I can’t help smiling at the fact that he holds my face when he kisses me, but these maybes I can get answers to, but won’t. Because maybe I’ll just let my self, my soul, my being just FEEL and stop thinking for once. For once, I will get sucked into “the bubble”, only because it doesn’t matter what happens after. I need to feel more, and think less. Maybe this time, it’ll work. Maybe this time. Maybe, just maybe, I won’t need the maybe’s anymore.