Where Did This Come From?

A more relaxed day but still busy. At least I’m not leaving here with a headache today. I’m planning on meeting Greg at the gym around 7pm but first I have to go pick Jonathan up at work and take him home which is totally in the wrong direction. Margaret is going out tonight and won’t be home to pick him up from work so he asked if I could. But he has to go home to babysit Kyle since his mother won’t be home until late.

I don’t want to hear about her not having any time for a life. She’s been doing fairly well in the department if you ask me. No, I’m not envious but let’s just look at the facts here. Each weekend I get to spend with the children she has all to herself. Now these are my only days to get anything done and when I have the kids, I dedicate my time to them. Hence, nothing has been getting done at home. Not to mention that I can’t go out if they’re with me so my "social" life has been pretty restricted. I bring this up because she never fails to tell me how hard she has it working all the time and has no time to herself. Whatever!!

So it’s just half past five and I’m still looking for plane fares for my boss to Pico Island in the Azores. He "thinks" he might need one of our technnicians to fly over there for customer support. He thinks! Well then why am I busting my ass to find a flight we may never need.

Oh, did I mention that he didn’t give me any dates either so it’s pretty wide open. Yea, ’cause that’ll make it much easier to find a flight. Don’t know when you’re going, don’t know how long you’ll be there and don’t know when you’ll be coming back. Does anyone else see the futility in my looking for such a booking? Welcome to my world.

I’ve been meaning to write about a letter that Gem gave Greg to give me. I haven’t forgotten about it and I do want to get some of this out but I’ve still not gotten my thoughts all together about it. I’ve read the letter several times over. Each time I do I’m torn between whether to respond or not.

Most of me wants to reconcile this with her because many of allegations are false. The other part of me wants to let her go because having read back through many of her past OD notes to me she said that she’d work through it. But then I think of how much space I’ve given her to find her own answers and in the process I’m the one that’s been shut out.

Without delving into too much of it let me address one thing here that really "irks my tater". It has to do with advice. I started my OD at Gem’s suggestion. I thought it was a stupid idea but have come to find the benefit in cleansing myself of alot of ugliness through daily entries.

But about advice…. I’ve gotten alot of advice from people on OD and I’ve been and remain grateful for whomever takes the time to opine regarding my entries. I have to assume that most people in here are similar to me in that they read the advice and suggestions of others, but ultimately, we know that we’re the one responsible for what we do and therefore only our own thoughts and final decisions will be a testament to who we purport to be. (Whew, that was a frick’n long sentence!)

Advice is just someone else’s words suggesting to you what they think is the best course of action for you. I don’t know about anyone else, but it’s been very seldom in my life when I’ve EVER done what someone else has suggested I do unless it was something I truly believed in. Much the same, I’ve NEVER believed in what someone else wants me to believe unless it’s something I’m comfortable believing on my own.

I don’t expect that all my noters will have the same perspective. I don’t expect they’ll offer the same advice if they do. Everyone is different and I’ve learned nothing from life if I haven’t learned that listening to other people almost always helps solidify your own direction.

For example, I’ve learned alot from my father. NO, he wasn’t a good example of what a father should be. Yet, in that, I’ve learned a very valuable lesson, what NOT to do as a father. So while he "was giving me advice" in the way he treated me and acted in his life, he was really showing me what I would never, ever want to become.

Yet, someone from the outside looking in might say, well your his son, you must be following in his footsteps if that’s the example he set for you. To those I say nay, nay Nannette. Quite the opposite. I’m made of better stock than that. You can’t make me be something I’m not just because you say I am or tell me I am. You’ll have to come at me with way more than that if you expect to put me in place.

I’m a good, decent, warm and loving man to nearly everyone I’ve met. Even those that have shit on me in my life. I may mumble under my breath, I may be unhappy about the way they treat me but I’ve always taken shit and smiled because I always felt it was better to turn the other cheek and take the higher ground.

Don’t misunderstand me. It sucks to have to do it and it leaves a really nasty taste in your mouth, but I think too, that I’ve learned a great many things from humbling myself in those instances. I don’t hurt anyone intentionally. NO ONE!

So if someone thinks that just because someone else suggests I think that someone else is a yutz, I’m sorry to tell you that’ll never happen. I have character, credibility and loyalty to name but a few of the threads that make up the material of who I am.

I’m not patting myself on my back or anything, I just want anyone who reads my entries to know that I’m delighted to have their input. I love to hear alternate thoughts on things. But I will always make up my own mind and that’s called responsibility. I will never blame anyone else for anything I’ve decided to do by saying, "well, so and so told me this and that".

What a bunch of crap that is and I dislike people who aren’t strong enough to stand up for themselves, their beliefs and their friends. Nothing is so loud as the silence of someone who knows better and doesn’t proceed accordingly.

Ok, I’ve done more than I planned on here today. I’ve gotta go get my son.

Ciao!