09/08/2009

AS i walk this line between love and hate
I try to reason with myself in this one person debate

Conflicted with who i was and who i am
No asking for help Because i dont think they can

Loving my self for the way I think, and act
Wanting to change a few things thats the fact

As I walk this line between love and hate
I know I am the only one who can open the Gate

Changing who i am once again
Becoming a better mother, lover and friend

It begins today, no more lies
this is it my successful try

Being an educated person is a great thing, it sucks when u realize that it was a distraction. I have come to realize in so many ways i am displeased with myself. I have never felt this way before and i can only begin to think of why i feel this way now. This past month was the first time in a long time that i could sit down with myself and take a look at my life. Because before i was to occupied with school. I am with a man who i love with all my heart and wish no harm ever come to him, however i dont know if it is because of  how i feel in this moment that i do not know if i am still in love with him???? I do know that i love the two beautiful children he has given me and that will never change, but as for myself i am not happy with. I have lost the confidence i believed myself to hold once before, I dont feel beautiful or sexi anymore and no matter how much bryan will tell me it i dont want to hear it because i dont believe it true. I feel lazy because i am so tired all the time and it just sickens me that i dont want to do laundry. (another depressin thing is that i have hardly any clothes to wear so this winter is going to be a bit nipply…haha old days)

My biggest problem is weight and i can keep on saying that i have two kids its reasonable dadadada its bullshit i am the heaviest i have ever been before and as hard as it is going to be i am going to lose it. I am not going to listen to bryan anymore when he talks about doing it together because hes more lazy then i am(which that and his ego will ultimately be the doom between us) Starting tomarrow and every morning i take jaydewn to school i am going to the park and i am walking or joggin or whatever lifts my spirits. I will try even harder to eat healthier and i will be that confident sexi girl again with a lil more kick to her step

so wish me luck as i begin my journey