Ches 9, 1492 – Robyn’s Journal (Wayside Inn)

I don’t even know what to write here. How do you write down things that you don’t even understand. I thought…I thought I was doing a good thing. Essy was off the rails, the walls, crazy with it. She was going to do bad things that could have gotten all of us killed, just for some sex. I thought…I thought I was helping. I know Robyn cares for her, and she cares for him. But both of them are so stuck in their heads all the time. I thought it wouldn’t hurt anything to try and have just one time, one quick orgasm. I even tried to tell Robyn what I was doing. I *tried* to tell him and he..he didn’t believe me. I don’t think he really understands what I mean when I say I can’t lie. Words can only be twisted so far. I didn’t twist my words at all. I haven’t with him since that night at the campfire. I may dodge a question, or talk around it, but..I don’t twist them anymore. I abused him. (more tears here) Oh goddess what have I done! I’m just like that monster! I hurt him, I could see it in the anger. I treated him like something I could use, I…raped…him. I got so mad at Essy for saying he didn’t get a choice, and then I took his away! How do I even try and repay that debt? Would he even understand if I said I’m sorry? Would he understand what I was giving him? Would it matter? I feel like a beast, some callous fey monster. How could I have forgotten what it feels like, it’s only been a few days? I love him so much, and now…how could I keep the dagger if he asked for it back? Its like my heart wants one thing and when my brain gets ahold of it it gets all twisted and messed up.

He says he wants me for me. He doesn’t want to change me. I believe that, I do…but…I think I need to change. Because he doesn’t understand. He doesn’t understand that this *has* to work. It felt like a knife, he said if it doesn’t work then it doesn’t work. I have to make it work. I have to. I’m scared of what will happen if I don’t.