Scared

I sent a letter by post requesting money that has been owed to me that I expect never to receive. There is a $1000 a day limit and I asked them to send $1000 a day until paid in full; please do the right thing, and of course I had and have no expectation of that happening. So I find myself feeling angry to even receive anything at all from this person; and angry that my request to send every day was of course not fulfilled, just one probably one time payment; just one measly payment that does nothing at all to take care of back payments owed to me. I am trying to figure out why they sent *sonething* but not what I owed: is it a trick to get me to make contact? I am scared of their motivations.

It feels so disempowering and I have been thinking it is better to start over with money than get into any kind of struggle over money owed even though a good bit of it is just sitting there in that house and I could probably go get it if that experience would not inevitably be super triggering. Just going to that house would have horrible effects on my mental health, just the thought of that and of so many things scares me. I have to remember I am powerless over my abusers, that’s the first step: but that does NOT mean they have power *over* me paradoxically, it means I surrender to what is and can’t change reality and thy will be done. It means getting into drama about anything or getting in contact for any reason is not going to serve me and I do not have power there. Maybe there is some way to communicate, send me more money, but is it even worth it? I don’t know. In some ways getting no money at all would be better but I’m not letting wither the reception or withholding of money owed to me and control me. I think they are withholding money because they want me to freak out that they have stolen it once and for all or else they just want me to get in contact and make drama about it when any kind of contact will only bring me down. To feel pulled like I have no choice to make contact to survive feels so disempowering… yet if I contact them I am less likely to survive. I don’t know what they ultimately want to do to me. That is scary… but I need support in maintaining No Contact whatever it takes.

Admitting my powerlessness over the abuse actually makes me feel comforted and less at the whims of the abuse, more capable of experiencing power *with* something authentic.

I am so easily triggered these days thanks to so much more than just contact but living in such a horrible place for so long when I only meant to visit (which was a mistake in itself): everything that happens reveals something sad or scary in my heart. It is going to take a while to trust again that not everything and everyone is out to get me. I am sorry I’m such a mess. I am open to God speaking to me with signs that are blessings. Sometimes it is things in no way meant to hurt me but it cuts so much anyway because I know certain people mean to hurt me implicitly or otherwise with everything they do and… well, sometimes it is just God speaking to me, and the number of times I have gotten paranoid about that someone was out to get me when that turned out not to be the case at all. But yes, no action these people take towards me is not meant to get me, in one way or another…