Michigan

I was all psyched to go hold a sign tomorrow but when I checked the weather it looks like there is a half an inch of rain expected with bouts of rain throughout the day. No one has gotten back to me about changing the date but I’d be happy to stand out in the rain if I’m not the only one doing that. It shows commitment. Then I was thinking I might go see the movie Barbie if things don’t turn out and depending on how I feel. I have heard so many good things about it and especially in terms of the lessons and values it teaches and the feel good nature of it and all that. I honestly haven’t thought about Barbie much since my childhood friend played with her and I haven’t been to a movie since… I can’t even remember the last one. It was sooo long ago.

I got laundry done this morning. I’m so dirty but nobody comments on it. I am eating at a restaurant right now, the same one where, in the middle of the abuse last winter, I think I was threatened by an employee with breaking my neck like the neck of a guitar; but there is no sign of any kind of hostility here and my server is really friendly. Usually I am not aware that I smell and that is when I change my clothes and shower every day. Now I am sure I don’t smell great and I feel self-conscious sitting in restaurants especially close to people or whatever but nobody seems to care. Last week someone else was not allowed into a place smelling like they smelled when I was sure I smelled worse than anyone. I’ve had that experience a lot lately, it is weird: other people get yelled at around me for things where I had already assumed I was the one who was the problem. Like, I maybe snore louder than anyone, but when I wake up I only hear people commenting on other people’s snoring. The general friendliness of people was disconcerting for a while but is feeling less so… I have even thought, maybe people are being nice because they know I’m homeless, or because I’ve waved to half the population at one point or another when crossing the street in front of their cars. There have been periods where people are just hostile to me and they had a lot less reason to be hostile then than they do now. I don’t get it.

I miss Mexico and the West Coast today. The last few days actually. It still kind of feels more like home. I have more of a West Coast personality.
Mexico, Southern California, Oregon, Washington. All those places, I would be happy living, I think, except… northern California for some reason. It feels like a vast lonely space. Northern California feels cold and lonely to me somehow. I love the nature and the beaches and so much to do with New England but there is a way it is disconnected from feeling like home to me now. Maybe I grieve when I connect with the land. I would live in Vermont, though, and maybe on the coast in Maine though Maine feels lonely now too. I would also live in the Midwest, somewhere near the Great Lakes. I think maybe maybe if I survive I will stay in New England long enough to becone a Quaker but I don’t know, it feels so close to so much that hurts, and there are places I have to avoid; people I don’t want to run into… and if people around here have been so friendly, I wonder what it would be like if I moved to Michigan. Michigan feels like a dream to me now… suddenly an old Joe Reilly song comes to mind: “where you going, Michigan, man I can’t even wait.”

I can’t wait to trust that I’m going to survive…