Depression

I don’t know how to trust that anything I experience from other people is not intentional deception. For like the first time ever my mother has said she’s sorry that she hurt me but she won’t hear or talk about what any of those things are; the moment I try, I get attacked, and I can’t trust that her sudden niceness towards me (other than not acknowledging things) and even making unspecified apologies means anything at all. She said, maybe I could remind her about those hurtful things, but I have, way too frequently, and it is always the same; it feels like she is just pretending to forget what I have tried to mention again and again. And when I tell her she insists it never happened at all. It makes sense that I am messed up. 🙁

My heart feels better when I choose to believe she is on my side but how dangerous that is without real support behind me to deal with the ups and downs! Every night I have dreams, nightmares, usually centering her deception in some way, and I am absolutely all alone and it’s terrifying. At any point she could pull the rug from under me again and even with the slight possibility that she did not mean to hurt me my heart already feels so tortured; I won’t be able to survive another round of being tossed around and deceived and ridiculed and not only was my privacy violated as it actually always is when I am there (and I can’t acknowledge that as an issue or talk about it) I was actively shamed and ridiculed and like never before she seemed to have such a sick mind… so now when I don’t trust her at all she can finally try to pull me in again with her supposed caring which is just words: she has never said she’s sorry she hurt me before but she is not acknowledging anything about what the hurt is… she says, maybe I can remind her, but the last time I tried to do that just days ago she yelled at me that she is not a person who would rver say or do those things to anybody and I must be delusional and everything and that is the way it always goes.

I just want to heal and resolve stuff and be honest and it’s obvious that is not going to happen with her… but what else do I have, really, and if I acknowledge I have nothing, how am I going to pick myself off the ground? There is a big part of me that is conditioned to and really believes her when she makes the most minuscule effort and says for example that she never hurt me intentionally. I am for the first time realising that she most likely would, and lie to me about it too. Which is no big deal to do.

I just know the last few months have been so messed up in ways the previous years of sadness were not and I don’t know if I can take it anymore. No, I *can’t* take it anymore, but I don’t know if I can take anything life throws at me anymore, either. What will happen to me if I choose to trust someone? Oh, gosh, I feel like I’d just die. I am paranoid and it is so easy to feel like everyone is against me and I have no solid ground to stand on to trust my life.

I am thinking about how this retreat centre called the house after we had talked about going on a retreat, either just her or both of us together (and right when it was time to start thinking I might end up going myself, she had me committed to the hospital so I couldn’t). They said she had scheduled a meeting that she missed, and wanted to know if she wanted to reschedule or something. She used that voice message to start a fight with me, along with the message after that which is thematically connected in heart crushing ways. She started screaming at me irrationally for simply innocently asking if she had set up some kind of Zoom meeting (right in the middle of me expressing being self-injurious too) which would have been fine with me but she screamed like I was accusing her of something which makes no sense.

I have no idea who might have talked to them to set up this meeting she said she never scheduled but my mother is for some reason very defensive and swears she never communicated with them and I have no idea at all how to get the truth about anything. The reason this in particular feel so important is it is connected to what feels like and I guess I shouldn’t deny is explicit emotional abuse and events that have happened that messed up my life… and if it *could* be found that she is lying about this, that might tell me a lit about what I need to know.

I just never thought she could have meant to destroy me. If she is lying about knowing nothing about why they called about a missed meeting, that is just all the more confirmation that my horribly sad experiences over the last few years were intentionally created by a messed up dysfunctionsl family and I just don’t know what if any part this retreat fenter played in it too. They would gave reason to hate me. And if I choose to trust this retreat centre one more time, to wrap up loose ends and find out what’s up, what troublle am I getting myself into and what level if self-sabotage is that? Yet I don’t know how else to find out if it is worth giving ither people a chance…

I just don’t know how to live my life anymore. Since I wrote all this I tried to meditate and kept falling asleep. I don’t inow what I am feeling but it is utter confusion on how to move forward with my life and what anything is about and I am scared to say I feel like I am heading into a depression and I don’t know if there is any way to turn it around. I just got this journal that says, do more of what makes you happy, my mother actually bought it for me when she visited and I asked her if she would; and I thought it might help to write positive and inspiring things and goals and dreams and such in it but I haven’t touched it yet and right now that’s just the thing: I feel stuck, I can’t, and if only all this messed upness in my family didn’t come up all at ince, I don’t inow what anything is anymore and it feels so hard to even make friends when it feels like your entire family was a bag of deception and lies and you never let yourself realise that before. When I get depressed what do I do? I hide from other people, I go back to where it is familiar, which is my family, where I can be be brought down even more, and I am so scared I’m not going to get better. In the past depression felt like it iriginated in my body and had nothing much to do with my mental state but cognitively I am so messed up right now and terrified of everything and everyone and I do not want therapy! I just wanted to have had a stable nurturing family that knew how to care for me and now I just don’t know what is going to become of me…