Education and destiny…

My host was just telling me about a 7th grade science teacher in California who he says was one of the best teachers he ever had who he came back to visit many years later. He says he believes he may be the only former student who came back and expressed appreciation to him… and I said so many amazing teachers probably never get credit for what they do. This conversation came up because I mentioned substitute teaching as being something I feel motivated to look into as a way of getting myself back on my feet again; and something that, even just for the experience and what I myself might learn from it, is something I feel some intrinsic motivation to do, whereas working at a bank, is not; does not feel like me at all, but since my host wants me to take every step to move forward, I will maybe apply for part time jobs at banks, too. I told him I don’t want to get a job and then quit the moment something better comes around, which could be clients in my own business, and he said, with those kinds of jobs, don’t worry about it, it’s more important to dig yourself out of this hole, and I guess that is a good point. I can always quit as soon as something better shows up. I think my host does not know that, aside from teaching which would be some kind of adventure, applying for these other jobs would likely take energy out of me that would be better spent looking for leads in my self-employment. If I had encouragement to do that, to build my own business, it would be so much easier to do, and I know he knows nothing about it, and there are a lot of prejudices and misperceptions about self-employment, but the idea of putting time into bringing in a few dollars with part time work that could be stressful rather than growing my business feels… let’s just say it would be nice to have someone totally believe in me and to see putting time into starting my own business as just as practical or more so as these other opportunities.

And self-employment ultimately is probably the way I am going to end up feeling independent from this mess if I ever do… and I am so scared and stressed out about every bit of it, wondering if the idea as is the title of a book that the ‘universe has your back’ is actually true or if it is just hogwash. There are so many ways I could suffer from falling into a hole that I haven’t begun to suffer yet… so many ways the universe could show itself to *not* have my back that I haven’t even begun to comprehend, like this is Calcutta, Bohemia is dead… and I am scared, of course I am scared, and I want to trust that my body holds the wisdom but is that more privileged crap that only works when you have some degree of privilege or can trusting my body’s wisdom help me in the scariest and most desperate times? These days I feel like I have been messed with so much and my biggest triggers manipulated so deeply plus my own unnecessary guilt about everything I do takes such a toll on me that it is hard to trust that my body is my own anymore and I am so resistant to the idea of meditating and being with the feelings and allowing myself to feel any degree of peace. The moment I feel peace in my heart fear wells up again and I don’t know if there will ever be a time that my body gives me clarity or peace. My host anyway said that teaching would be a good thing from a philosophical perspective which I agree with in all sorts of ways but he says it makes a contribution to the noosphere, and he writes about the concept in his book and he is big on it though I’m not sure exactly what he means by it; in Tehard de Chardon’s philosophy it is “a state of interconnected awareness among all minds.” So I am thinking today about education and my love of it and wondering what wise mentors might tell me about the position I am in right now. How do I be happy, how do I live a fulfilling life, and contribute to this noosphere? How do I find my idealism and trust in the universe again?

Last night I just tried again to express to my mother how hurt I was and it was nothing but an hour of belittling me and making fun of me which she would never admit; she turned off her phone so I couldn’t call back and then apparently tried to call in the middle of the night to say she loves me. Today she told me my grandmother is in the hospital, she had a minor fracture in her hip a few days ago from falling I guess but now she is back innthe hospital. My brother I guess also woke up today not being able to see and went to an rmergency eye doctor. These things are happening and it surprises me that she does not seem to express more concern; I don’t know if her emotions are all shut down or what but considering this I guess her inability to express concern but just arguing me into the ground when I try to express deep emotional pain might not be quite as intentionally hurtful as I supposed; I think it is urgent now and I would like support but I don’t know if I will find it: I have wanted to resolve things with my mother for so many years but was too terrified to even know how to ask for help, and maybe I will never have clarity on anything, but I wish I could have some basic understanding of the motivation and causes of the dysfunction I experience when I try to relate to her with any degree of intimacy at all, and without relying on it (I need to stop being addicted to relying on it) I want to just find some way to get clarity on myself: does my mother actually love me, and want the best for me, or not? Some clarity, some peace, some ability to find refuge withon my own body again…

I don’t know if I will ever know, after all of this, and that alone makes me more sad than I can say. Yesterday I tried to tell her again how horribly heartbroken I am around how she has treated me around my service dog and she has zero ability to empathise with me there. Either zero capacity to hear anything I am saying or that really is precisely where she wants to hurt me. I tried to tell her I wished I could sense her being emotional about my pain the way she gets ’emotional’ just thinking of the dog being with me instead of her. And though I started the conversation hoping I could just express I am in deep pain and scared and hurt and please at the very leadt don’t argue or belittle me but that is all she did for an hour. I tried to tell her which really is true that if she were sad I would do anything for her. She said, you don’t know when I’m sad, and I clarified, when I know she’s sad, I want to do anything to be there for her. She doesn’t appreciate that that matters to me, she turns it around and makes clear how awful I am when I say things like that.

She will make me feel bad and guilty like I am a horrible person who just wants to control her because I want something other than negativity and brashness and criticism when I try to connect with her, with what is true for me in the moment: I hurt. She just finds something to argue with and says the most hurtful things. First she mocks me like, making fun of me, like I have no right to feel this way: what, are you jealous of the dog? That is just cutting to me and no I am NOT jealous she full well that I am tormented and heartbroken about what has gone on around him over the years and I am in pain because what was mine was stolen from me and all my emotioba manipulated, jealousy is just a cruel word to use, jealousy is an emotion you aren’t supposed to have and no I do not feel *jealous* I am heartshattered and rightfully indignany and I just wish my *mother* would express even that level of actual concern towards me, and it is like all she knows how to do is berate; either she does not actually care a bit or she has serious issues where expressing and letting herself feel real feelings without huge defenses around them is impossible for her… and that is the most optimistic interpretation I can come up with right now.

She says things she knows will hurt me and I don’t know why; over and over and over instrad of just being kind which I try to express could be so simple. Then, dismissing my heart that would do anything it could for her if she were sad, she says, it makes her sad not to have my service dog so would I do that, would I let her keep him to make her happy? And it is so messed up because that is a way she *knows* she is making me horribly sad and she actually just doesn’t care and I can’t hold that or any of its implications. These arguments when I try to share my heart so quickly just twist it up in knots and there is nothing more you can say, you can’t even remember 99.9% of what has hurt you after a while because in my attempts to simply express it my mind gets messed with so much more and I am left with a million more confusions than I had to begin with…

Earlier in the day she said, if I take the dog, she’ll never talk to me again, like, oooh I’ll let you take him or I say I will but I need to make sure you get punished for it. Later in the day it was no longer, she would never talk to me again, but she would never be able to see the dog again, because it would hurt him too much to see her, and hurt her too much too, or so she says — no, he’d be happy to see her, if she’s treating him well, and he honestly looks so sad so often I can’t bear it. Of course it’s useless but I tried to explain that if he is my service dog, provided she isn’t going to cut me off too, it would be inevitable that she would have to encounter him occasionally, and besides, does she want to make it harder for the dog, for both of is, if we run into a problem? These are drastic boundaries made seemingly out of anger rather than reason and deciding never to see him again if I should take him doesn’t actually feel like love for either of us, it feels really selfish. She doesn’t get what she wants, and I’m honestly not sure if the affection of the dog or torturing me is more important to her, she is going to lash out with consequences and closer down her heart to both of us… but I just wonder where her heart is… I try desperately to try to connect with it but I am probably a fool not to recognise her intentional sadism or to keep denying it, yet what if there is some of that but it comes out of fear and anger and unresolved stuff and deep down she does care and just… who knows? And yet more and more I know this family is the source of my C-PTSD and I need to do everything I can to get out of its energy… but oh, gosh, I have been trying to do that for years, and what do I have left in me?

I wish I could help her be happy, to be able to relate to me and others in ways that are life-giving, but I feel like everything is out of my control, and I need to find my peace with that somehow… I’m wondering how I can take the reins of my education and my destiny…