Scary

He says things that express at least to me complete disregard for my mother which I feel certain is real but she does not get ehy he says the things he says like I do and I am terrified of her being deceived by the same terrors that I am experiencing in my trauma from a system of complex dysfunction and when I feel like she might care about me that hurts so much but then she goes and flips a switch qand she acts outright evil towards me in ways you know have to be intentional and yeah she might have a sadistic streak or those energies were put into her by some kind of dysfunction, but I am terrified that ultimately she cares about me as little as him and they eould both love to hurt me and it really is true that I was born so she’d have something to laugh at, and how do I know? How do I know where to put my caring? Even if she is totally on his side and laugh at me behind my back and lying to me which is helpish enough I *still* worry about her being vulnerable… and no matter what unless there is a way out of caring and being terrified being so vulnerable to my very life by being powerless over this situation and the way my own life seems to be getting more and more hopeless that it can get out of this to something that feels to me healthy. I have to use my intuition and my intuition is only telling me terrifying dreaded things, no reason to hope that I am not caught in a trap, no reason to think I will be able to find the life force to thrive. I need a place I know I am not being deceived and I need some sense of emotionsl and physical security which basically means real caring and support to help me find folks to help me feel safe (is that possible?). I want to know if it is at all possible to have any positive hopes and dreams for my life ever again at all…