Flashbacks

I am having flashbacks to recent times that early childhood traumas were indelibly stamped onto me for me to remember then again or at least the impossible bind they put me in, the terrible fright, like C-PTSD flashbacks to times when something horrible happened to me or more recent memories of being triggered in ways I did not know people had the ability to professionally trigger others about and I no longer know whether those triggers point to the ultimate end for me or if getting to the depths of the pain can heal me yet but it is wicked frightening to me in too many ways. I do not know whether I will get over the flashbacks that come on in response to all sorts of triggers through programming that was recently engineered and used to mess with my mind and now I am scared because logically and intuitively it feels like something is wrong and something has shattered in my soul that cannot be fixed and my life is over and though I try to meditate and find peace the more I relax the more waves of fear come over me and I do not have any way whatsoever of assessing (or finding safe supportive friends who might help me assess) what these fears signify and if there is any hope for me at all: my intuition says these fears point to some kind of destruction and I can wish that is a sort of ego death but my intuition fears the worst about what all these triggers mean because they point to abuse that traumatized me and froze me and gave me amnesia and I have no way of knowing at all how to feel safe now. I am afraid of having a flashback that sends me into a panic attack or some kind of freak out mode and for me right now in a position so isolated from anyone I think stands a chance of hearing my story and being able to help with anything at all or to see me as fully capable as opposed to the cage I have been put in by that family’s story of me and I need real help getting out of that family story that sophocates me to feel safe but will my intuition sense anyone capable of helping me rise above all this? This would be an impossible situation to figure out in terms of basic living security even if I wasn’t traumatized out of my mind at the same time. It is so easy for one person to say a word and then everyone dismisses you. Please pray for me or whatever you do. Some blessings would be nice.