Soul loss

Climate change demonstration in Connecticut tomorrow. We were going to do a small local one today but it started thundering and we put it off a little while but then forgot about it..

You know, I truly to not know if I am going to survive, if I am going to be able to feel the support of the universe behind me. I do not know if I will be able to explain what I am going through enough to feel supported through it and I truly need people to just be with me qnd care that I am going through a hard time more than I need therapy. I control how deep I go into my emotions; I do a lot of therapeutic things; having formal therapy shouldn’t feel like a prerequisite to having friends but it sort of does feel like that is the expectation. People don’t know ehat I am going through and there certainly has not been time to talk about my story but with people around who might listen why should I need therapy? Therapy can make me sadder and more. despondent and less likely to reach out to friends. I do not want therapy to ‘fix’ me because I am isolated; the isolation is not my fault, not really, wxcept there is so much I blame myself for too and maybe it is but I can’t take that in right now. I need healing for C-PTSD which can take a whole lot of forms snd yes I know this, that, and this other thing are not technically therapy or replacement for therapy, but ehatever, I have autonomy over my own body and mind and psyche and I am going to do what works for me. If that includes some amount of therapy, fine, but I have never found therapy to be more therapeutic than so many things that people have to claim are not therapy to cover their butts…

The emotional abuse that has been hammered into me lately sort of makes it hard to trust that anything positive that is said to me is really meant. So as much as I want to get to know someone deeply now might not be a time that connecting with others in deep ways is even possible and I kibd if wonder if I will ever be able to again. What is left of me, will I find the people I belong with, will I gain clarity on why I was put here in earth, and can somebody help me with that, because I’ll never figure it out withoyt soneone who actually sees me and lately I am scared that no one does or will…

Maybe I trust people more when I can really see they enjoy being in my company. At least a certain kind of distrust, the sort that is afraid of being abandoned by everybody, might be assuaged that way. Being in the presence of people who are having a good time and enjoying my company is highly therapeutic. I just don’t know how to get there. I need money at least so I have some breathing room; trying to connect with friends when I am in, say, my current financial position, isn’t going to work, I am way too distractable, there is way too much on my mind. I am praying and I don’t know if it will work out but I am choosing to trust: I may have some financial support that would help me a whole lot, so that my most immediate problems around finances would immediately get better and that would hopefully give me the space to do the healing I need to do; there are so many reasons I am down in the dumps and traumatised right now but the amount of money I am praying for would probably ameliorate a whole lot of my concerns about being stranded on the street, for example, or some such dire situation, and it would maybe make it possible to figure out what to do next in my life instead of staying stuck. It would help me alleviate some of those immediate root chakra issues: feeling ungrounded, insecure, out of place, not belonging. Making money right now in any way feels scary: what might it take out of me and what do I have to fall back on, but oh, if I could get my bank account somewhere near where it was before I fell into this awful mess, well, it would not be everything, but it would feel like a whole lot more than the barely holding on that I am doing now. It would mot allay fears that others who hate me are capable if destroying my life and I have no control over it; but it would be something. It wouldn’t make it easier to trust people or to find out how to get support, necessarily, but I am in the biggest puckle of my life, and I do not know what I am going to do without something that feels like the sort of help I need. I’ll be praying.

I woke up this morning with a sad dream that someone I love came to visit me for like the last time. Her hair was so cute, I remember, and she was really tired from the long journey from wherever she came from and she arrived with her boyfriend. I don’t remember much at all other than her cuteness and my sadness at somehow knowing or sensing that this wasn’t a visit because she cared about me so much as… to tie up loose ends with me, out of a sense of personal onligation or somethibg, and when I woke up my heart just hurt…

Then I had a meeting with folks to see what might be cleared without giving up my truth and my integrity and I just do not know. I can’t point to anything in particular that threw my intuition off but I can’t say yet that my intuition says this is safe, either. I need people who have no idea what I am going through to not see me as a therapy case, for one, and I am not sure I feel seen in the ways I would like to, but I also do not know what I want. I want to trust that I will be treated ethically and not welcomed into spaces where I am not really welcome. I want to be able to talk from my heart about how hard it is to trust without people saying things about paranoia and therapy. It is possible to not trust an entire organisation without it necessarily being paranoia. What I need is definitely to experience more pronoia if that is even possible; and the issues I run into when I try to share things that are hard for me, I don’t know, I can hold my own, i know enough to get therapeutic support when I need it, and maybe I’d be less likely to be paranoid if people didn’t mention it. Anyway, I neither feel good nor bad about this conversation. I don’t really know if I feel seen at all or if the professed caring and statements that I deserve to be loved and such feel fake… but if they do, that is part of a process I am going through, and it is valid for me to go through these things, please don’t even subtly pathologize me.

I just don’t know if I’ll ever get myself back after what happened to me in those hospitals. I feel like they took my soul and I have no idea how to get any semblance of it back…