The Stranger.

I had to look at myself today and let me tell you, what I saw wasn’t pretty.  After a night of no sleep I was forced to listen to the voice of some one I held close, yet I couldn’t say a word.  I couldn’t say a word because I was riding shotgun in the car of someone else I care about who would have been hurt had anyone known I was with her.  So I listened to the person I was with lie to the person on the phone about who she was with, where she was and what she was doing, understandable so.  Where were we going?  We were going to pay a lawyer with the hope that he will pull me out of transgressions that are over a half of a decade old.  Even if I come out on the other side of this situation with minimal damage, there is no way, no way at all that I will be able to pay the debt that is owed.  The debt far exceeds the current circumstances.  There is no self pity here, only an honest look at what a life of evil actions has resulted in.

Meanwhile…

It’s sunny outside and well above 90 degrees.  The humidity isn’t high and the sky is tall and blue.  I can’t feel it, any of it.  I almost lost it today.  Really, I about lost it.  Not in anger or sadness or any defined motion… it just felt like the switch was moments away from being shut off.  My blood pressure was so high I could feel my heart.  physically feel it.  It felts like it had been pulled out 8 inches wide and run like a wet towel after washing a car.  Tight and wound yet loose and flimsy at the same time.

I’m 30 years old.  I’ve lived what i consider to be a quiet and humble life for 5 years now yet I can’t see as how I’m going to be able to balance 20 years of harm.  You heard me, it started when I was 5, so far as I can remember.  My health won’t allow me to go past 50, I’m certain of it.  Stress and time have polished me down to a core which wasn’t all that beautiful to begin with.  To the outside observer, I will never equal the sum of my parts because there is too much to divide and reduce before presentation and once presented and past, people end up feeling as if I am exactly what I am to myself:  The Stranger.