I ate

CW: 98.5

BMI: 15.9

Well I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster since I wrote yesterday.  I met with the dietition, who is very nice and I think she really will try to help me.  Right from the getgo we worked on trying to figure out what I will eat safely.  (Which as we all know is not much)  We made a shopping list and I had to go grocery shopping yesterday, which was partially good and partially a disaster.

I hate not having a lot of time to write nice long entries anymore, but I will starting in a week when I have the internet in my house hooked up.

Anyway, so yesterday was just terrible.  I b/ped 8 times!!!  I lost over a lb in a day.  When I woke up this morning and saw that weight, I realized that I really do have to do something about it because I should’ve been hospitalized about 7 lbs ago.

I can’t believe I broke a 100 and am still going down, so I made the decision that I would wake up today and try to eat.  And I ate breakfast!!! 1 apple, 2 toast, 1 cup of milk and a coffee!

Lunch turned into a disaster because I kept messing up in the kitchen and in the end, I didn’t eat the omlette I kept fucking up and I had 1/2 cup of melon and 1 toast with coffee, but I screwed it up and am trying to move myself beyond it.  I will live from meal to meal.  I have to get serious about recovery whether I want it or not because if it came down to it…there’s always that damn hospital looming in my nightmares.

I’m trying to keep busy.  Lots to do today.  And I have one less stress in my life.  I figured out what I’m going to write for my screenplay course, so those worries are out the window and I’m now looking forward to all 4 of my classes, so that gives me motivation to get myself better OUTSIDE of the hospital.

College is a priviledge that I need to work hard to keep and as of this moment I am committed to working for it.  The friends, the education, the semester abroad next semester, I have to earn the right to have it and prove to people I don’t need the hospital.

Right now I am determined.  Let’s hope it lasts!

~Rachel