Drunken binges
CW: 45.6 kg
Last night I got drunk. Very nice and happy drunk. I came home and thought to myself, YES, a reason to binge. Being drunk is the perfect excuse to binge, because once you’re drunk, binging is almost natural and then throwing up is a natural step after that. So I like getting drunk.
Although, because I was drunk I wasn’t so smooth about it and when my roomie walked in (drunk as well) she asked how I was and what I was doing and I said, "I’m binging!"
Eating that food was good and purging it all felt good too.
Recovery is so hard because one moment I’m dedicated to attempting recovery, and the next I’m running to the disordered behavior.
In fact, before my friend called me up to tell me about the drinking gathering, I was planning on devoting my night to my eating disorder. My roommates were going out and I felt like a lonely loser with no plans, so I was actually planning on spending my night with my disorder, alone.
How am I supposed to recover when I run to my ED for emotion, whether it be sadness, anxiety or even happiness or even a planned b/p can keep my calm and also the moment my weight goes up a little, I want to stop eating or purge everything that enters?
Ugh! This is so difficult!!! I have so much to look forward to in life, but I can’t do it without the ED.
~Rachel
Maybe instead of running to the ED when you feel certain emotions, turn to something else? Find something else that gives you the same high? I do see that you’ve made a great step and you’re not personifying the disorder. I hope you keep going on the right path.
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I know what you mean. The b/p is becoming a crutch for me. Its what I turn to to fix/avoid any emotional upset, even boredom. I can’t give you any advice about recovering (it seems I can’t stop either), all I can do is feebly wish you luck while you battle this. Thanx for your note, TakeCare :o)
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Being in college with an ED is very hard. So much revolves around drinking and that always led me to BP. Since committing myself to recovery I don’t allow myself much more than 2 drinks, and that’s somewhat rare. We might not be alcoholics, but it’s w/o a doubt a problem for us. As far as recovery goes, you have decide what you really want. You can’t be half in or out. You have to really want it.
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hey love i did the same thing last night but as I have been sick I was alone. I have decided to give up drinking this week. which will be hard. God you are so thin. I usually pt on when I b/p do yo eat a lot or jst a little?
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those thoughts are crazy aren’t they. i’ve been going over and over things like that in my mind too. hope things go all right for you. take care of yourself okay?
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-hugs- me too… exactly… Keep your chin up, you can and WILL beat this… just one day at a time…
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aww hun…i’ve never had alcohol, but i hear the hangovers aren’t worth it at all…take care!! <3
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