ED won today +edit+

CW: 100.5 lbs / 45.6 kg
BMI: 16.2

b/p today: 7

As you can see by that number, it was a bad day.  It seems that for every good day, an equally terrible day must follow. 

I only slept for 3.5 hours last night.  My paranoia about my chest pain grew so badly, that I was afraid to go to sleep.  I talked online with my friend from home who has the same ED as me.  She’s an anorexic who b/ps to lose the weight.  We talked for over 2 hours.  Finally I was able to grow tired enough, past my anxiety and I was able to fall asleep to "Boy Meets World" at around 330am.

Then of course, I woke up automatically at 730am.  I didn’t have to wake up ’til 8am.  I wasn’t too happy with my body, but I got up.  Foodwise, I started the day off ok with an egg beater omlette, low cal toast and half a yogurt (and COFFEE).  Morning total: 160 cals

Off to my classes on campus!  I love my classes.  They are my saving grace, truly.  I went to my Northern renaissance class, then had 90 mins off.  I went to the health services to pick up my meds (finally!  I took my anxiety pill right away…I could’ve really used it last night!) and I got my blood pressure and heartrate checked.  Everything was normal.  What a relief!  I even allowed myself 1/2 a granola bar for a snack (90 cals)

My next class was Romantic art, heaven again.  I walked home and ran to the mall to buy "Grey’s Anatomy".  I have 9 days to watch 27 episodes before the new season starts.  After I bought it, the day went downhill.  I bought food for a binge and it began.  I was so calm going into the b/p sessions.  I needed them.  I wanted them.  I craved them.  Knowing they were coming was a huge relief.  I bought food for this binge three times.  I went to the grocery store.  I ordered Chinese twice, from 2 different places so I wouldn’t look weird and I ate a little of my roomies’ food.  An afternoon and evening later, I’ve declared myself done.

I weighed myself after all the purging.  I felt emptier, not bloated like I did yesterday after eating all day long at "healthy" intervals.  I’ve gotten too used to this weight and what I saw before as thin (of course never thin ENOUGH), I want to be below 100 again.  I got there a couple weeks ago and I want to be 99 again.  I’ve seen myself at that weight and even that wasn’t thin enough, but I could maintain at 99, I think.  I’ve been more or less maintaining myself at this weight.

How am I ever going to recover when I can’t stop thinking like this?

Well, I have work to do and I’ve put it off for HOURS so I could devote myself to the ED.  The ED has to take a backseat for a few hours.  I am so determined to do well in my classes this semester.  Maybe I’ll even become calm enough to eat a decent meal before bed, so maybe I won’t start dreaming about food and binges.  We’ll see.

~Rachel

+edit+
Ok, so the ED won today, but I conquered tonight.  I made a decision NOT to go to bed hungry.  So I just went downstairs and had low cal toast, an apple and a bottle of vitamin water (275 cals)  So my total for today is about 550 cals that actually stayed in my body.  It’s better than nothing!