Yes I forgot the title and tried to publish without it.
I wonder if I’m gonna remember that I don’t have a title.
I downloaded a new app, some sort of ai assistant. Which sounds rather silly but I have a tendency to seek out praise and maybe this will be good for me? So I don’t get sucked in by another sociopath? Hahahahaha
I’m sitting in a cafe right now, doing some writing. Allegedly! I’ve set a timer for ten minutes and I’m gonna just ramble. This is something I’d like to start doing every day, and I’ve been working on breaking down the block that’s keeping me from doing it.
When I was publishing free short stories, I think the thing I loved the most was the feedback. Short smutty stories, you know? And there’s a part of me that’s like ‘well, if you want people to read your work, it has to be good enough, and long enough, to justify it.’ – and maybe this entire mindset is wrong? Maybe what I need is to just start and let it be as long as it wants to be, and then see what happens.
I’ve been toying with the idea lately of involving my husband. I wonder if it would be something he’d be willing to do, or would he see this as more work for him? Hmm.
Always starting.
What have I been thinking about lately? Novels, and writing, and living. I watched a reel yesterday, it was talking about ego death. About the link between autism and adhd and how intense those phases of ego death can be.
There is something deeply ironic about finding out you’ve got adhd when you’re in your 40’s. IF ONLY I HAD PAID ATTENTION.
BOTH of my brothers have autism. I work with kids with autism and adhd. I’m well educated, I can spot it, I am GOOD with these kids! (BECAUSE I ALSO HAVE IT)
And yet…
Anywho. What a wild thing. It doesn’t solve or answer everything, but it does kinda shine a light on why my emotions always feel like I’m drowning when they happen. And it’s been this wild journey of finding out so many things that make me, ME, are actually not me but are trauma reactions.
And it feels like… I have genuinely no idea who I am. I wrapped up so much of my identity in being GOOD at DOING whatever I was doing, and now I’m peeling back all of these layers and it just keeps going.
anyway. The timer went off. I don’t think this was 10 minutes but it was something!
Every day a new day.