Probably nothing possibly everything

If I’m doing something wrong just tell me. Don’t assume I’m doing things to hurt you with knowledge.

Idk. I’ll look into it and make sure I’m not doing anything like what I’m afraid I am. I’m worried I am love bombing you. I don’t feel like I am. Wait. No. I can assure myself here. I’m not. What I am doing is going through attachment patterns. I give the full breath of my love and sometimes I pull away. It’s not manipulation and I have nothing I am trying to hide.

I want to eventually discuss whether I should share my anxieties. Thing is…I did. You never responded to my needs for space. Or at least therapy. I don’t blame you for my issues but I was in honest connection with you. I don’t withhold things.

What i do still have is connection anxiety from hell. I think genuinely it’s my biggest issue in life. It is keeping me from all the things i need and want. Life has likely always felt less fulfilling for me because of it. I want and deserve space but I never wanted this level of space. I felt like i had no choice. I believe you when you say you don’t remember saying “this is never getting better.” I think I need to approach this as I felt like while we were talking about your friend and how I was hurt you got triggered. The way I express myself makes you feel threatened. Which is entirely understandable. When we find people to be unpredictable and loving people a liability.

I feel unstable to you when I express myself even tho I do think it is reasonable. My therapist did too. You said Nicole not being that smart thing when I was sad about her not wanting to be friends again. You know I don’t think she is actually stupid by any means r? I was only ever ragging on her music taste.

You’re just afraid. So you’re seeing this and thinking there’s some huge narrative. It’s funny, writing this I see I do it to myself too. That feels actually unfair. I have a self attachment disorder. Great. That genuinely bothers me. You’d understand the feeling that there’s something in me and I need to get it out. I’d like to always translate it to I deserve better from myself. I deserve a good relationship with myself.

Oh god. Months of trying to kill myself over my ex suddenly make sense. I felt unsafe. You made me feel like I was safe. I tore at myself for nearly a year over how things went with him.

Idk what that insight will do for me. You’re the only one I really believe when you say I’m not a narcissist. You’re the only person I believe knows me. Even if the view is distorted.

I feel the most anxiety about connection when I feel unsafe. Which is why I had such a strong reaction to what I had perceived. That wasn’t doing right by you and you were unhappy.

It’s so hard to understand if I was or not for me too. Whether I was good to you or not. You thought I was and that was the most stable thing I had. Oh. God. I hate how what happened that night makes sense now.

Now I’m so scared. This feels way way more complex to me than me feeling unsafe with you. Idk. I have therapy on Sunday a nd I pompam going to see what the AI says about this post.

But this is why I do this. I would not have recognized this and I’m not sure if it will lead to anything practical or just me having a deeper understanding of myself. It is definitely giving me a renewed sense of sadness. Idk why.

Idk why I like this m. ovie. It’s amazingly, seemingly calculatingly bad. It’s downright offensive or at least just weird as fuck and offputting.

There’s no way you feel the way I do. God help me why are you so kind to me?