It’s the Closeness

I caught some beautiful clouds again today, and I realized what makes them so fascinating these days. It’s the closeness. They literally look like they’ve come down within reach. IDK, I find myself getting lost in them because I’ve never before seen them appear to be so full and near.

Today was a day. I did some stuff and then came home and was drawn to listen to C for some reason. Listened to a few a cappellas (Walking in Circles, etc.) and then watched some old interviews. He was talking about his song “Heavy” and explaining what he meant about the phrase “If I just let go I’ll be set free.” It’s not what most people think.

He was actually talking about the problems of life and his need to control everything. He said he was the type of guy who liked to have everything in order, and it caused him more stress and burdens than were necessary.

I could relate to that. When we’re too focused on everything being or looking perfect, it can cause a lot of stress. But if we get to a point where we can “let go,” we can actually sit back and enjoy the processes of life and everything that’s right and good about it. It’s quite liberating. That’s what he was “working on” within himself toward the end, and he referred to it as a spiritual journey and an elevation of consciousness.

Another point he brought up was that he would often focus too much on like the one person in the crowd who hated him instead of the 29,999 people who loved him. He’d wonder what he was doing wrong and what he needed to do to fix it, and it would really bother him. He was also bothered because he knew deep down that he wasn’t being the person he was supposed to be.

It was an eye-opening session where I saw a lot of good and bad in depth. It was like all parts of him that existed at that moment revealed themselves, and I saw and heard more than just the beautiful deep core I often talk about. The various “influences” presented themselves too, so I got more of a full picture of what was going on at that time.

He definitely had an ego (and a dark cheerleader) that got in between him and his higher self and higher power. At the time of the interview, he believed that his soul was his and didn’t want people worrying about “something that belonged to him”. He said that during a random discussion about a political/religious matter, and in that moment, I heard the part of him that struggled with the idea of “God” and his laws and sovereignty. Perhaps there was also still a tinge of unresolved anger there about the abuse endured during earlier life.

Trauma caused a lot of delays, setbacks, and maladaptive coping . Also having puppet masters around who would trigger him intentionally. That’s kind of the way it works in this world. Certain people trigger us “performers” to get the most out of us, and they don’t care if it stunts our growth or drains our energy. Whatever type of “show” we’re performing in must go on, and the hungry must feast. So if we no longer feel like screaming one day, someone will yank a string and give us a reason to. If you know, you know.

I saw a lot of an older version of myself in him, and I think he’d have blossomed beautifully if he’d had more time. He had a very strong presence with tons of energy/spirit and was always pouring it out into the world and touching people’s lives. He functioned as a “gentle friend who understood our pain,” but we (fans) were never supposed to view him as as an actual savior. We were supposed to view his examples of raw honesty/vulnerability, recovery, growth, and endurance and then seek the source of such strength. Unfortunately, things got tricky.

I don’t think he knew exactly what his rightful place or purpose was, how/where to get the proper spiritual refill, or how to guard what he had from the wrong people. Even if he’d figured it out, it would have been extremely difficult to grow spiritually in that industry without experiencing harsh backlash.

These are just random opinions and scribblings. You may take them as you wish. I see and hear people in a bit of a deeper way these days and chose to write about this person because of the familiarity in certain parts of our journeys.

The main difference between me and him (other than the obvious surface level ones) is that I was never approached to become rich and famous or join any secretive groups. There are certain advantages to that, which is why I still have a lot of compassion and empathy for some celebrities and their struggles. Some are wicked to the core, believe they are gods, and are extremely proud of it. But others are reflecting and are aching for truth and freedom at this time.