Nervous

I just came back from my doctor’s appointment. I’m home alone. My daughter and wife are at their appointments at the Bay Area, how lucky that they always keeping each other’s company. I spent all year long being singled out and will this week too. I have an evening course today that I have to do a presentation and I’m real nervous. My summer is busy even though I am not teaching summer school, I am drifted to do something else. I am helping myself being better health wise. I’m very hard on myself when I should take things one step at a time.

I must confess what I feel. I have finally came across to say them here to avoid the scandals that might put me to end my career. Is a strong feeling that I can’t even help myself put together. I feel with great lust going and I try with all my strength getting my mind on its right and productive way from misleading things. I want to see growth in me professionally. It’s wrong, to be feeling my strong likes on my boss. I will from now on find activities that would help me get busy, and I encouraged my wife to go on a camping trip, San Francisco Zoo, just anywhere so I can feel the love all over again with my wife.

I’m confused, I sure hope what I feel for my boss is more like compassion. There are issues that I can’t say to my wife but I hope with time sessions I could investigate the truth. I was advice to maybe talk about this to my boss, however, I fear rejection. Several occasions I feel there may be a sparkle of ‘likes’ between us, which could be that I’m “internalizing” the situation that is not happening. That is why I refuse when I had the chance to ask her this type of question. Is like we talk, text, and express our feelings outside from our professional world, feel this trust to do so more freely. We finally share our personal issues, but nothing romantically has happened quite yet. I know I compliment and say, “she’s pretty, smart, and it’s rare to bump into people like her, so forth..” All that feeling that traps me inside it’s all so wrong… I’m nervous because I did mentioned my boss those compliments, she might know that I do like her but seems to take it like it’s a normal thought. She still treats me with respect and respect my preferences. I don’t think her actions indicate that she likes me. It’s just the fact that she respects me.

I have many issues. I seem to trust her and until this day, she hasn’t turn her back away from me like everyone else has. One day she might, I hope not… I know there’s limits and I don’t want to go too overboard. She’s perfect to me to keep as a friend. I hate myself for feeling the way I do. I thought with time it would fade out, but it hasn’t…

My wife has been there when I needed medical attention, cure my wounds from my bad experiences with my ex, and we lasted for 10 years together. I appreciate her for what she has done and still. She tries to understand when I am working and need to complete tough challenges, and deal with staffs everyday, etc. I’m nervous a lot of things where I might lose hope. I’m glad to be open here because people take it the wrong way, finding troubles where there isn’t any, and I have the rights to be human.