Another day, Another crying spell

Today has been another rough one. My older sister officially eliminated me from her life.

I have been increasingly depressed. I attempted suicide approximately 8 months ago. I told her and, despite her promises not to, she told my husband and best friend. From my perspective, this ruined my relationships since then. You would think that people would be supportive and give more comfort. No. This is not true. To be quite frank, I wish my suicide would have worked. I was chastised and made to feel terrible for my attempt. I was told I was a bad mother, a selfish sister, and an ignorant friend. I took that as love. But as time continued I felt increased stress and discomfort with life. I decided to listen to my loved ones and reach out. I discussed every single thing that hurt. I talked about my pain, vented my frustrations, and cried due to my hurt. I was surprised to find my husband neglected me, my best friend avoided me, and my sister told me she was wanting to cut me out of her life.

I have put on the happy face. 🙂

I have learned to lighten my voice. I have learned to say pleasant things. I have taught myself to only converse in a positive tone with happy responses and only tell tales of beauty.

That meant nothing. My best friend still resists time with me. My husband avoids any interactions with me. And my sister officially ended her relationship with me.

I am nothing. My life is a place holder. If I am not perfect for everyone then I am unworthy of love.

I wish that my suicide had worked. I wish I had been able to escape this world. But I am not brave enough. I am to much of a coward. Everyone I love continues to leave and withdraw themselves. Fuck. What is the point?

I’ve tried so hard. I thought I figured it all out. I thought I was finally finding the perfect balance.

I regret so much. I regret this life that I chose for myself. I regret who I am. I regret the people I am surrounded by. I regret my past and already regret my future.

The only thing I have to look forward to is the possibility of escape. Escape will be reliant on my capability and my means. Let us hope I do not fail this time.